Managing your personal relationship account

What does a successful relationship really mean to you? What does it take to build a successful relationship?  

Successful relationship means different things to different people. To some people, it is the ability to achieve individual personal goals within the relationship. To others, it is being able to achieve common goals in the relationship. Some people consider a successful relationship as the one in which all the parties in that relationship have the opportunities to contribute towards achieving common goals and at the same time able to pursue individual goals without conflict.

The most successful relationships, I belief, are the ones founded on shared values. To all intents and purposes, shared values are the implicit and explicit fundamental beliefs and principles that hold two or more people together. In a relationship based on shared values, some goals are for common good. Others are for the good of the individual in the relationship. In order words, each party in a shared-value relationship is free to pursue their individual goal provided it does not conflict with the common goal. 

You can express shared values in terms of individual’s attitudes towards the relationship itself. You can also express shared values in terms of attitude towards for example, finance, career, family, friends, love, kindness, creativity, abundance/scarcity mindset, home, travel, etc. Attitudes affect expectations. The more the number of these shared values in a relationship, the more the likelihood that people in that relationship would have similar expectations which are good for building successful relationship.

You can think of a relationship between two or more people as a joint bank account. Each party to the relationship has a stake in the account. Any member in the relationship can invest in the account. They can deposit fund into the account. They can also withdraw fund from the account. The money you deposit is your own stake in the joint account. Any time you withdraw from the account, you reduce the outstanding balance. As long as you are in credit, the account will be ok.

In a relationship, deposits are all the good deeds you do on a daily basis that enhance the quality of the relationship. They include the following among other various things:

·         focusing on what you like in your partners;

·         showing respect and kindness to your partners;

·         allowing your partners to be who they are;

·         appreciating little things they do;

·         making non-judgemental comments about your partners;

·         thinking of and understanding the need of your partners first

·         showing interest in what they do even when you are not interested;

·         understating any issue from their point of view;

·         being sensitive to their feelings, etc.

Whenever you do any of these good deeds, you add fund into the relationship account. Each deposit increases the amount of trust in your relationship. You can deplete the fund any time you fail to do any of these and other good acts. 

On the other hand, withdrawals are those things you do or fail to do that help to undermine the relationship.  They include the following among various others:

·         making negative comments about your partners

·         Carrying malicious rumours against them;

·         making false allegations against your partners;

·         focusing on what you do not like about your partners;

·         attempting to dominate them;

·         making judgemental or disparaging remarks;

·         always thinking of your own self interest first;

·         not showing any interest in what your partners do;

·         not showing sensitivity to their feelings;

·         not giving them their own space both physical and emotional;

·         one partner making decisions that are important to all partners;

·         not respecting the views of your partners, etc.

Each time you do any of the above, you withdrawn fund from your relationship trust account. If the relationship account was already in debit at the time of the last withdrawal, things could be begin to go wrong. If your relationship account were in credit at that time, there may not be much trouble depending on your past withdrawal records. 

Just like any accounting book, there is a relationship credit or debit balance. This happens when the frequency of your relationship withdrawals exceed the frequency of your relationship deposits. In this situation, you have a relationship debit balance. It is always nice to watch out for how long you can sustain such account imbalance. To sustain a happy and successful relationship, you must seek to be in credit balance most of the time. You can do this by frequently putting more funds into your relationship deposit account. Good deeds add to the fund. Bad deeds reduce the fund. Good deeds build up trust. Bad deeds undermine trust.

Some relationships can survive a couple of short-term debit balance. This happens when you have continually maintained credit balance over a long period. You can draw from the reserve trust you have built over a long time to overcome your short-term relationship challenges.

Before you enter into any relationship, always play what I call shared values game. Some people call it shared value analysis. Some call it shared value solicitation.  The purpose is to gain an awareness of what to expect prior to entering into a relationship.  If you want to know how to play this game, you are free to contact me at mam@valuelifebalance.com.  Once you know how to play shared value game, you could play it on your own, with a trusted friend, or with a life coach. It is good to have the knowledge you could gain from playing shared value game even when you fear such awareness could deter you from going into the relationship.

Living in a peaceful world

During the cold war between the East and West, people used to talk about a kind of war strategy that effectively guaranteed the total annihilation of both the attacker and the defender. They called it M.A.D war.  MAD is an acronym for Mutual Assured Destruction. It meant that by mutual understanding both sides in a war would resort to the use of full-scale nuclear weapons in the event of an outbreak of war. They called it mad war because that is just what it was.

What does this type of war strategy teach us about the nature of human being in dispute resolution? What can we learn from this type of war in personal problem resolution?

The irony of it all is that many of us have experienced one form of MAD war or another in our lives. Think of a row between two people in which no side lives to tell the story. Think of a dispute between husband and wife, which leads to an acrimonious and expensive divorce proceedings and both sides including the children lose out in the end. When two elephants fight, the grass suffers. However, in a MAD fight, even the two elephants suffer.

There is another way in which many people engage in MAD wars on a daily basis.  Think of the war between the inner you and the outer you. This is the war between the visible you and the invisible you.  This is the war between the human you and the spirit you.  This is the war neither of ‘you’ can win. Yet as we live our lives moment by moment, many of us engage in various forms of self-destructive wars without knowing.

Think of the number of times your body has refused to respond to what your mind was telling you to do which had led you to make decisions that caused you pain and sorrow. Think of the number of times your gut feeling told you to act in certain way but your body said no way, which led you to make a choice that you later regretted. Think of how many times you refused to act according to your instinct and later found out it was to your peril.  Think of the amount of times you once spent debating a thought in your mind without the gut to make a decision one way or another. Think of the stress, the distress and the dis-eases that you invited into your body simply because you did not act according to what your mind was telling you to do. The list is endless.

These are spiritual wars. A spiritual war is a war between your human being and your spirit being. It is a war between your visible physical being and your invisible non-physical being. Many of us fight this war because we fail to allow the spirit being to take control of the human being. In this kind of war, the ultimate loser is the human being. Once the war is over, the spirit being goes back to where it belongs, the Source. It originates from the Source and it therefore returns to the Source. The spirit being has life far beyond the human being. It transcends the human physical being. It will live forever. Therefore waging a war against the spirit being is tantamount to waging a war again oneself. It is a step toward self-destruction. That is what I call MAD war.

Waging a war against another person is waging a war against two beings: the spirit being and the human being. Waging a war against another community is waging a war against two communities: the spirit community and the human community. Waging a war against another nation is waging war against two nations: the spirit of the nation and the nation of the humans. Waging a war against your spouse is waging war against four beings: your spirit being and your human being. At the same time, you are waging a war against your spouse’s spirit being and the human being.

Do you get my drift? This may sound daft to your ears but think of it this way. Why is it that human beings find it easier and more convenient to relate to only the things we can see, touch, hear, smell or taste? Is it because we are ignorant of the role of space in the universe? We think of space as a place of emptiness, void, vacant. Is that the reason we think we are alone in the universe? Is that the reason we tend to act alone?

Imagine the difference it would make in the world today when more and more people are becoming aware of the reality of our universe: we are not alone. There is much more to the person next to you than his or her physical appearance. The moment we have this basic understanding and gain this simple knowledge of human existence, we will start to align our human desires with our spirit desires.

The concept of Value life balance is all about alignment between the desires of our two beings. It is all about aligning our human beings with our spirit beings. It is all about letting go of the MAD wars we wage every day against oneself and against one another. It is all about sowing the seed of peace inside of you and allowing the seed to germinate and grow within your inside. It is all about letting that matured inner peace become part of the way you live your life moment by moment. It is all about sharing the peace that reside inside of you with members of your immediate and extended family, with your friends, with your neigbhours, with members of your community and with people around the world. That is what I call M.A.P.  Mutual Assured Peace is the peace that lets each human being to become a present help for a person in need. That inner peace lets every human being to see the beauty and graciousness in every other human being and what he or she has created. It allows everyone to sow just a seed of peace inside his or her heart. That peace makes the world to be a truly global village. Let us think about this type of peace.

Measuring your happiness level

David Cameron has launched a consultation to explore a new way of measuring Britain’s happiness level. This is an acknowledgment that there is much more to life than just the pursuit for financial successes. This is an admission that gross domestic product (GDP) used to carry out economic health check of a country may no longer be adequate.

I went into a deep conversation with a friend a couple of days ago. That was shortly before the recent announcement. The topic that dominated our frank discussion was happiness. What makes people to be happy? We started by outlining what we thought were key indicators for determining level of happiness. We talked about financial security. We talked about security of life and property. We talked about family cohesion.  We talked about the availability of basic infrastructural facilities such as electricity, drinkable water, road network, health services, education, telecommunication, etc. We talked about employment opportunities for young adults. We talked about virtually every aspect of human life that we thought could impact  the level of happiness of an individual.

We considered the case of Nigeria. We recalled a recent report that indicated that the happiest people on earth inhabit the country. We also recalled that this country lacks virtually all the happiness-enabling indicators outlined above. We thought that there seems to be a contradiction. If they were the real indicators of happiness, then Nigerian should have been populated by the most unhappy people on earth. We both agreed that whilst access to any of these facilities may provide an enabling environment for people to live better lifestyle, whatever makes an individual to be happy goes far deeper.

We however noted something else. We noted the role of feelings. We talked about the feeling we all have as human beings when we know that our lives and properties are safe where we live. We talked about the feeling we all have when we know that a nationally funded health care system is there to look after us whenever we fall sick. We talked about the reassuring look in the faces of parents whenever their academically able children bring home their university admission letters knowing that whatever happens, their children would complete their education with or without financial support from parents. We talked about the relative feeling of safety whenever we are in the comfort of our homes. We talked about the feeling we get when we leave work returning home in the evening knowing that there is a guaranteed uninterrupted supply of electricity to our homes 24/7. We noted how we often take this for granted. I told my friend the only once in ten years did I ever experience interruption and that was just for an hour. It came with a 24 hours notice.

We both agreed that, yes, these things are good for living quality of life. They are great for helping people to reduce the pains and hardship of living. They are fantastic for enriching one’s life. However, we could not agree whether their absence or presence necessarily affect the level of happiness.

We talked about all of this and much more. One thing became clear from our conversation. Happiness is a feeling. Our feelings come from our thoughts. Our thoughts come from the way we respond to our external stimulus.  When we hear, see, touch, taste or smell something, our response can produce either positive or negative feelings. The stimuli did not produce the feeling. The way you responded to it did. In order words, whilst you cannot control the stimuli, you can control your response to it. You can manage your response. As Eleanor Roosevelt rightly said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your permission”.  You must have embedded the feeling of inferiority in your thought process before someone comes to make you become of aware of it. In the same token, no one can make you feel unhappy without your permission. You must have embedded the feeling of unhappiness in your thought process before someone comes around and did something that gives you the feeling of unhappiness. The person has only come to help you bring to the surface, what you already have inside you.

We concluded that happiness or sadness is not something one person can bestow on another person. It is not something that depends on the environment in which you live. It all depends on who you are. It all depends of what lies inside you. Whether you live, in Nigeria, in China, in America, or elsewhere, you take whatever you are inside with you. You are what you think about all the time. You are the product of your thoughts. It is not about your bank balance. It is not about the number of cars in your garage. It is not about the number of houses you have. It is all about the way you live your life moment by moment. It is about the way you respond to your entire external stimulus. It is about the feeling you get when you have done something that adds a meaning to your life.

Coaching in focus

Coaching is all about human search for the ultimate meaning of life through living it moment by moment. That is why more and more people are learning how they could use it to transform their lives either through self-coaching or by hiring the services of a coach.

However, coaching still remains one of the social services that are only available to the rich, the famous and some few lucky ones who are in comparatively senior management positions in public and private sectors.  The poor, hard-to-reach and socially excluded members of the community have little or no access to coaching.

One could argue that the poor already have free access to similar services through other social intervention agencies such as counselling, therapy, teaching, mentoring, etc. The fact of the matter is that these professionals provide services that are uniquely different from coaching. However, I consider the services of a coach to be complementary to the services other professional provide to their clients.  Coaching starts where counselling or therapy stops.    

Consequently, I belief the existing network of social service intervention agencies can be further expanded and developed to incorporate life coaching. This should provide a comprehensive system that helps to improve the quality of life of local people. Such integrated system would be made available free of charge at the point of use to support people to achieve social inclusion within the community. Such a system would provide proactive, holistic and client focused support-based personal services that prevent hard to reach people from becoming socially excluded, assisting them to integrate into the community, helping them to believe in themselves and thus able to achieve their full potential in life.

Stopping your addiction

When discussing addiction, the things that people talk about most often include alcohol, heroin, etc. Most people think about these traditional addictions. Other popularly known addictions are sex, gambling, work, shopping, food, etc. There are other modern addictions too. They include the internet, computer games, mobile phones, television, etc.

Addiction is another form of enslavement. There is nothing wrong in doing any of these things listed above provided you do them in moderation. According to the old saying, “too much of everything is bad”.

When does your action become an addiction? Only you can answer this question. Sometimes, people whose lives are affected by your action can answer. They include your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends, your colleagues or even your neighbours. These are the people that will be picking up the emotional and financial consequences of your action.

What makes people become addicted? A person can inherit an addiction from the family. A person can also suffer addiction due to inability to cope with stress. Stress can come in various forms or shapes. It could be due to pressure from work, from family, from peers. It could be due to acute financial problem. A jilted lover could find temporary comfort in excessive drinking of alcohol. Over a period, he or she becomes totally depended on it. It becomes an addiction.

Stopping an addiction is not about making yourself feeling guilty of your addiction.  It is not about developing a negative attitude toward your addiction. It is not about trying to wage a war against your addiction. It is not even about being hostile to other addicts around you. It is not about blaming yourself or anyone else about your addictive behaviour. It is all about recognising that you have the addiction. It is about accepting that a habit has now become an addiction. It is about making a decision that you want to change the habit that has become your addiction.

Once you have acknowledged the addiction, you begin to find a reason or reasons for stopping it. This starts with a deep search for the answers to the following personal questions. What is this addiction doing in your life? What does it feel to be addicted to this thing? What effect is this addiction having in the lives the people you love? What is the meaning of your life? What would happen to you in five years time if you continue with this addiction? What would happen to the person you love in five years time if you continue with this addiction? What would my life look like in five years times if I can stop this addiction today?

Never approach addiction with a view to fighting it. You cannot win. Whatever you fight will fight you back. That is the law of nature. The more you fight your addiction, the more it will hit you back. My advice is to befriend the addiction. Treat it with care and kindness. Think of it as a human being who wants your attention. You can do this well once you have found an inner reason or reasons for stopping the addiction. Once you have found a new meaning for your life and you are unable to align it with any form of addiction, the rest is simple. You just treat the relationship between you and your addiction as two jolly fellows going on a journey. You have come to a junction. That junction is the end of the journey together as friends. You have to go your different ways.

At that junction, you have mutually agreed to part ways. You are therefore not departing from each other in acrimony. You are moving to a new direction. Your addiction is moving to a new direction. You can simply say good-bye to one another and you can even give it a good handshake. You are parting on a good note. As you have not fought any battle with it, so it cannot fight you back. If you love your enemy, your enemy cannot harm you. Love is your defence against your foes. If the addiction is your enemy and you decide to love it, it can no longer hurt you. Whatever you hate, hates you and whatever you love loves you.

As you will be going to your separate ways because you have discovered a new purpose, your life will never be the same again. Your new life will be different from the old. In this new life, addiction has no role to play. You are a new creation. You are like a newly born baby. As a newborn baby, you will need to learn new habits to replace old ones. You will need to learn new habits to help nurture you toward the new direction. You will need to learn new habits to provide yourself with nourishments for growth. You will need to learn new habits to prevent reversion to old habits. You will however be in control of the new habits. None of them will control you. You will be on the driving seat totally in charge of your life.

Stopping your addiction is not as difficult you as may think. It is about finding a reason to stop. It is about discerning a new meaning for your life. It is about thinking of how your addiction is destroying the lives of the people you love. It is about thinking in terms of what you have for live instead of thinking about what life has for you. It is about looking really deed inside of you to discover who you are and who you want to be. No one can force you to stop your addiction. Only you can do that. You have the power to do it. All you need is the reason for stopping and that reason will give you the will to stop.

DIY Coaching Workbook

This self-coaching workbook enables individuals to carry out their personal performance health check on a regular basis in the comfort and privacy of their home or office. You can carry out the check anywhere, anytime. Working through the entire workbook, you will be able to:

·         identify any problem in any area of life;

·         analyse its underlying cause(s);

·         put in place action plans to resolve the problem;

·         devise a way to monitor progress of change;

·         design a framework to measure future performance in that area;

·         create a template to help resolve similar problem in future

If you want to know more about this innovative way of carrying out your life balance health check on a regular basis, and how to obtain your own copy, feel free to telephone 07956033915 or you can send an e-mail to mam@valuelifebalance.com

What makes them stand out in the crowd?

The happiest people are those who do not take themselves too seriously.  When things are not going their way, they change their mind and look for other ways forward. They know that one road does not lead to a market place. Instead of thinking about a problem, they think about its solution.  They are quick to accept their mistakes and never blame anyone self. They take their responsibility very seriously and are not afraid of making mistakes. They just laugh at them and take quick corrective measures. 

What differentiates such people from the rest of us is their ability to find a reason to be smiling when others are crying. It is their capacity to find a reason to be silent when others are talking.  They see an opportunity when everyone else sees only problems. They do not keep malice against anyone. When they are criticised, they do not take it personally. They accept criticism with equanimity.  At team meetings, they are great listeners. You can spot them in the way they nod their heads when someone is speaking even when they do not share that person’s point of view. They will never comment directly on any issue they disagree with; but only offer their own opinion instead. When they find themselves holding the minority opinions, they do not seek to impose their own opinions on others. They have no ego whatsoever. They are great team worker. They do not attract publicity to themselves. They do not seek people to praise them. They do not seek other people’s approval to do what they want to do for themselves and for others.

Happy people are known to be highly receptive to new ideas no matter how stupid they may initially appear to be. They ask open-ended questions to clarify any aspect of a new idea that appeared blurred to them at first. They are non-judgemental and detest labelling people. Their open-mindedness gives them the ability to seek other people’s point of view and helps them to build close rapport with everyone.  They know who they are. They have strongly held values that sustain them in all circumstances. They know what they belief. They believe in who they are and in what they do. They are not afraid of letting others know what they belief in even though they will never impose what they belief on others. They respect other people but do not necessarily expect others to respect them.

They love living creatively. Because they know that the nature of the Creator is to keep creating and recreating, they are never short of creating and recreating something new. They see and appreciate the beauty of creation. That is why such people love creative art. That is where they express their creative genius. They find expression in the art. This reflects in everything they do. They see the food on their dining table from the point of view of the Source of all the various ingredients that make up the dish. Through their power of imagination, they are able to express thanksgiving to the person that had put all the various ingredients together and bring them to the dining table. Most importantly, they are able to express thanksgiving to the Source that made it possible to produce all the ingredients.

 They are naturally kind-hearted to people. They are not pretentious. To such people, what you see is what you get. Their appearances brighten to the environment. Whenever they go, they bring peace along with them. They are extremely good at making peace between people. They will however never take credit for anything they achieve. They are quick at giving the credit to other people.

They detest hearsay. When a colleague gives them a negative report about another colleague, they never act on such information.  When a report is capable of causing serious disaffection among colleagues, they are quick at seeking the approval of the person making the report to bring the issues to the attention of all the parties involved. This avoids rumour mongering.

Happy people have no scarcity mentality. They live in abundance. That does not necessarily mean in terms of physical material acquisitions. Even at that, they know that as their Source does not lack anything, they too do not lack anything. They are aware that there is constant flow of supplies from the creative Source, which they know will continue to flow in their direction. They know that in all situations they will be looked after. Because they have aligned their will with the will of the Source of abundance, they live their lives abundantly. They hardly ever complain of anything. Hence, people think they are rich financially and flow to them for help. Because they allow whatever flows into their lives to flow out to other people, there is an uninterrupted flow into their lives. Because they look after the welfare of other people, the forces of nature also look after their own welfare. These are people with the wisdom for living. Their lives are happiness. They enjoy living their lives and they intend for others to enjoy theirs also.

What does it take to be a happy person? How much does it cost to smile to the person next to you? How much does it cost to say thank you to the supermarket cashier who has just served you with a smile. What does it cost you to say “I love you” to your partner? How much does it cost to say, “I am sorry, darling? This is not a sign of capitulation but a sign of your desire to be happy and to share your happiness to the person you love. This is probably all it takes to bring your life to balance. Remember, the happiest people in the world are those who do not take themselves too seriously. This is what makes such people stand out in the crowd. Would you join them?

Living your destiny on a daily basis

When people talk about destiny, some think in terms of a life that has been pre-determined by a supernatural power. They belief that, as a human being, you have no control over the way you live your life. They belief that your live has been given and that you have no choice in what you do and how you do it. This line of thinking presupposes that you have no freewill, no willpower and therefore no ability to control your destiny.

I belief that destiny is all about your journey in life. It is not the end of your journey but the totality of how you live your life on earth. It is all about the birth and death that are intrinsically part of living your life. It is all about the joys and pains inherent in living your life. It is all about the guilt and the innocent feelings you carry about throughout your entire life. It is all about the ways and manners you live your life moment by moment.

God does not restrict you from doing whatever you wish to do. He gives you the freewill to act in whatever way that pleases you. You have the willpower to make your own choices. God does not interfere with the way you prefer to live your life. That is the beauty of God. He allows you to be what you want to be. He gives you the freedom to have whatever you want to have. He does not stop you from doing what you want to do. However, He has an intention for creating you. What is that intention? This is in the way He wants you to live your live. Some might say there are contradictions here. There are no contradictions. Look at this way. As a father, I love my children and want them to be happy. However, as adults, I cannot dictate to them what they should do to be happy. I want them to be safe whenever they go out. I cannot choose their friends for them. I want them to live healthy lifestyles. However, I cannot control what they eat, what they drink or what enters their body.  

Perhaps God intended that you become an instrument of peace and love in your neighbourhood. However, you can choose to be an instrument of war, hatred and rumour monger. Perhaps He intended you to be a creative force for human good. However, you can choose to become a force for human destruction. Perhaps He intended you to show love and kindness to all your neighbours. However, you can choose to become an agent of persecution and annihilation. Perhaps God intended you to become the source of abundance supply of resources to meet the needs of people around you. However, you can choose to become the conduit pipe through which you siphon all your country’s limited resources into foreign bank accounts and thereby create a scarcity and want mentality among your own people. Perhaps God intended that you become the person that would liberate your people and lead them into that Promised Land. However, you can choose to become the person that leads them to perdition.

People can choose to be used either for the force of good or for evil.  What you choose to do with every area of your life becomes part of your destiny. It is about living according to your values and beliefs. It is about living to your own expectations. It is about living your life with attitudes that are highly sensitive to events around you. It is about living your life always thinking in terms of what you have for life instead of what life has for you.

Living your destiny can mean either living as God intended or as you intended. Aligning God’s intention with yours is an act of ultimate meaning. His intention for your life is everything that is good about humanity and everything that edifies God. Living your destiny is about living by the moments. It is about living for one another. It is about your knowing that whatever passes through you by way of material possessions are not yours to hoard. It is about knowing how to pass them on to bless others. This is how to keep the blessings flowing around. Hoarding breaks the circle. The more you pass them on, the more they flow back to you. That is living your destiny.

  

Your intentions for 2011

Why do some people prefer to have a New Year intention instead of a New Year Resolution?  What is the difference between the two?  I think both are the same. Whilst one focuses on the moment, the other removes the “re” bit and just focuses on the “solution”. What do you intend to do, to be or to have in 2011? Do you intend to be happier, kinder, more creative, more forgiving, more tolerant, more loving, more receptive or more generous? How will you be celebrating the achievement of your intention? What intention did you fail to achieve in 2010? What lesson have you leant from that? What will you do differently in 2011?

I encourage you to make the year 2011 the year for your change. I want to encourage you to make it the year that will positively change your life forever. For each of your 2011 intentions, I want you to find a quiet place either in your office, home or anywhere and focus on it. I want you to go to that special space and give yourself some moments of silence. It does not matter how you intend to do it. You can do it standing up. You can also do it sitting down. You can even do it leaning on a tree or a wall. You can do it holding a piece of an object such as flower in your hand and make that object the focus of your attention. You can do it in the way that you find most comfortable to your circumstance. I want you to remain in that special space where you will not be distracted for a few moments. The space can even be on your bed. The place you do it does not really matter provided it gives you an opportunity to remain alone and in silence for a few moments. The Space and the Silence are sacred. They join forces with your creative force to bring your intentions to be.   

Having achieved that unity between your body, your mind and your soul, I want you to close your eyes, remain in that stillness and allow the creative force of intention to flow into your being.  When you have felt that total stillness in your body, I want you to begin focusing on just one of the intentions you have listed for the year 2011. This intention will now become the object of your focus for the next few moments of your life. I want you to start by focusing on the great benefits that your achievement of that one single intention will bring into your life and in the lives of others around you. Focus on what you will be feeling, doing and saying to yourself when you have achieved that intention. Focus on what other people will be feeling, doing and saying about you when you have achieved that intention.

Begin to build a very rich picture of what it would be like achieving that intention. Begin to make a mental list of what you will be seeing. Begin to develop a clear picture of how you will be feeling inside of you. Let your body begin to feel the sense of what you are intending for yourself. You can make it bigger or smaller depending on what that specific intention is in your life. You can even vary the colour; you can bring it into your minds’ screen and allow it to scroll from your left to your right. Try to see it as clearly as you can. For example if your intention is to live a healthier lifestyle, begin to see the picture of healthy self in front of you. If your intention is to own a new car, begin to see the picture of the brand new car in your mind’s eyes, its model, its engine capacity, its colours,. You can even feel its air-conditioned system washing all over your body. You can see the brand new salon car packed in your garage. If any part of feels blurred in your eyes, scroll it back and view it again, making sure what you are viewing is the car you intend to buy for yourself or for your wife. Anything that appears within the image that does not seem to align with that intention, isolate it. Take a closer look at it. Spend a little time on it and notice what you see, what you feel and observe any changes in your body. If you still cannot find any positive connection, delete that part from the picture. Once what you are seeing agrees with what you intend to have, enjoy the view, relish having it and be proud of it.  

As you focus on your intention, do not give a space to any negative thoughts. They would try to slip in from time to time as you remain in silence meditative mode. This is to be expected. Do not fight it. Whatever you fight fights you back. Just notice it and let it pass by. You can even say goodbye to it. It has no space in your mind at that very moment. That moment is your moment with your creative Source. You are in the process of making a covenant with your creative Source. You are agreeing with your Source what you intend to do, be or have in the coming year. It is a meeting of great minds. You have laid your agenda for the meeting. You will go out of the meeting with action points. If no action points emerge immediately, do not worry, it will come sooner rather than later. Just notice and observe e whatever comes your way during the meeting. You can never leave a meeting with your Source empty handed.  Whatever you intend for 2011 will come from nowhere to now here. I promise you.

Living without regrets

What can make some people to think that the only way to success is through constant striving? By the way, what is striving? According to the Oxford dictionary, striving means to “make great efforts to achieve or obtain something”. Ordinarily, there is nothing wrong with making “great efforts” to achieve whatever you desire in life. 

Within the context of this short discussion, I will define striving as an inordinate ambition to achieve something at all cost. In this context, people pursue success with little consideration for the feelings of the people around them. To them, the end justifies the means. By the time they get to that ‘end’, the significant people around them would no longer be there. They would have moved on.

A friend recently told me a sad story. His mother had just died. He was unable to show how much he really loved her. I asked how. He said for over a period of ten years, he had been running his business with little time to see her. He had been running from one business contract to another. He had little time to spend with his mother despite her repeated requests. I asked him what his inability to show how much he loved his mother made him feel. He said he felt like a failure. I asked what made the feeling so bad for him. He said he would now live the rest of his life with regrets and a feeling inner guilt. I asked him what he could do to overcome the regret and guilt. He said noting. I told him he was right to feel regretful and be guilty but that he would also be right to find a reason to forgive himself. I left him with a task of finding just one reason why he must forgive himself, leave the past behind him and move on to the future.

It turned out that the reason for his strong desire to succeed in life at all cost was to prove a point to his mother. He wanted to show his mother that he could succeed and become somebody in life. He explained that his mother used to tell him repeatedly as a young boy that he would amount to nothing in life. He said he consequently grew up to adulthood believing that he could never amount to anything. He was in his late thirty when things started to change and he began to realise that he did not have to stick to his old belief. He started to get hungry for success and fame

One business opportunity led to another and by the time he was fifty years old, his life had changed dramatically. He had become financially independent. He owned one of the most successful ICT companies in his country with his annual turnover running into several millions of pounds. He made sure his mother lacked nothing by way of material and other comfortable things money could buy, including two Mercedes Benz, a luxuriously furnished house in the best neighbourhood and an assortment of house-helps catering for every area of her life.  Even though she was happy and very proud of her son’s achievements, she longed to see her son visiting her more regularly in their hometown some four hundred miles from the city. He also longed to see his beloved mother at least once a month. However, business meetings regularly took him around the globe. He had very little time to be with her.

For over one year, his mother had been pestering him with requests to come and spend a couple of days with her. She seemed to be desperate for the meeting. After a lot of pressure, he promised to visit her but that would be after his next business trip.

One evening, his mother telephoned him. She told her son that she would like to see him very urgently and for a very important family matter. His aides had however already booked his flight ticked to China. He was due to attend a meeting for a groundbreaking contract deal. The news of the contract had even appeared on both national and international news network. There was no way he could miss his flight. His mother said although she had heard about the meeting, but still desired to see her son before he travelled. He explained his situation to his mother and apologised for his inability to visit him immediately as requested. His conversation with his mother was brief but very emotional. As there were other people waiting to see him that evening for other sundry business related matters, he could not stay on the phone with his mother for too long. That conversation was the last they had together as mother and son.  She died on the day he returned from his trip to China. His money could not buy his mother’s love. She wanted him, not his money.

Meditating with Psalm 23

Having spent much of my teenage life in the rural middle belt of Nigeria herding, tending and guarding my father’s over 200 herds of cattle, I know what it is to be a good shepherd. A good shepherd is the one that is willing to lay down his life for the sake of his sheep. I knew each cattle by name. Each of them recognised me. They never felt threatened by my presence. They knew when I felt upset by their behaviour. I knew the ones that were stubborn and aggressive. I knew the ones that were tender. I knew how to build relationship with them. I cared for them and I did everything I could to protect and nurture each of them from the youngest to the oldest. I knew when and where to lead them out for grazing. I knew the best place to lead them for fresh running water to quench their thirst. I knew when to return them to their yard.

Each cattle had its own unique distinguishing characteristics. I knew very quickly whenever any of them showed any sign of distress. I had the responsibility to protect them against predators mostly snakes. I had a tender relationship with the young ones because of their fragility. For that reason, I kept close watch on each ensuring that they did not stray away. From the early morning, until evening, I guided them all through the forest, through rivers and low hills ensuring that they had the best chance of feeding on well nourished grasses and drank water from clean water from local streams.

The irony of all these was that they did not have to do anything. They simply knew that I would always be there for them, cleaning their sheds, protecting them and keeping them away from harm’s way, providing for them, and showing tenderness, understanding, tolerance, and warmth. The burden of looking after their welfare rested on me. They went wherever I led them to. They did whatever I wanted them to do. They obeyed me largely. I had a way of making them to comply with my instruction. That was why I always had my rod with me. That was my staff of authority over them. They knew the purpose. They knew I could be caring. They also knew that I could be tough on them if it became necessary. They just knew that I could never lead them to dangerous places. They trusted me to do whatever was right to keep them safe. I did not however take them for granted. I would never make them to do something that was not consistent with their nature. That was a great personal relationship built over many years of leading the cattle to and from green pastures.

They did not need to ask me for anything. They just got it. They did not need to work before they ate. They did not need to cry before I knew they were in distress. I just knew from the way I related to each of them individually. I cared less about my own safety as I felt secured in their midst. I could walk miles in the forest jungle with my cattle. I was not worried about anything except their welfare. Nothing bordered me. I thought about nothing other than seeing that all of them were taking out every morning, were properly fed, led to clean water to drink, and returned them to their sheds every evening unharmed.

Every evening, I would give the day account to my father. I would give him details of what happened. I would draw his attention to anything that I thought would need his urgent attention especially when it affected the wellbeing of any cattle. My father would thank me for the day’s job and would make me feel that I had done a great job for him and the family.

What did my experience as a shepherd boy teach me about the nature of God as a good shepherd? The level of care and attention that I paid to the safety and welfare of my cattle was infinitesimal compared to the level of care and attention that God pays to humankind. The key lesson for me in this type of relationship is that through my own biological father’s guidance, I chose to look after the cattle. They did not choose me. They had no say in my decision to become their shepherd. I passionately loved them and I demonstrated my love for them through the way I responded to their day-to-day needs.

In the same way, we did not choose God to be our Shepherd. He first chose us. He created humankind for His own purpose to be shepherds for one another. The relationship between the shepherd and the sheep must be rooted in love, an unconditional love that we can manifest through our individual selfless services to one another. That is the way to live life with meaning. That is what God intended for us. That is how to live a purposeful existence. If a shepherd cannot do that, he or she is not a good shepherd. What kind of a shepherd are you?

Opportunities In Disguise

Some people are quick at seeing an opportunity in every misfortune.  To such people, instead of a problem they see only the opportunity that comes along with their mishap. They know from their inner minds that inside their setback there are some elements of power to boost their morale. To such people, it does not matter which direction their life may be going at any point in time, they have the inner knowing and a strong belief that it would be all right in the end. They do not allow any small setbacks to derail their plan or dampen their enthusiasm to keep working toward achieving their set goals. They do not feel angry with themselves whenever things do not go in the way they had intended. They do not blame anybody, not even themselves. They simply learn some lessons and do it again or they move on to do something else.

Some people are able to recognise ever opportunity no matter what they use as disguise. When they want to develop a new relationship, they look far beyond the physical appearance. They look for the inner beauty that conceals the outer splendour. They look for the inner strength that overcomes the outer power. They look for the inner peace and tranquil that covers up the human turbulent being. They look for the inner happiness that hides inside the human physical appearance. They listen to the inner still voice, which is inaudible to human ear. They look for the inner being that makes the correct connection with the creative Source. None of these is visible with human eyes. They are intangible, inaudible and invisible. When they are searching for a new carrier or a job, they think far beyond just the monthly take home pay. They define their problems primarily in terms of what they need instead of what they want. They think in terms of how what they do could benefit other people.

They say opportunity is like a young beautiful woman who conceals her face by her hair and with wings on her feet. Asked why she covered her face with her hair, she said so that men may not notice her whenever she comes to them. Then what about the wings on her feet, she said so that once she flies away no man could overtake her.  What does this metaphor tell you about your life and all the missed opportunities? Mr Fortune visits each one of us at least once in our lifetime. Opportunity has its own unique way of knocking on our doors. It comes in varying disguises so that only people with discerning minds could see it. Sometimes, it comes during our turbulent times. It comes at the most unexpected times. It comes when we least expected. It comes when we are most vulnerable. It comes at our weakest point in time. It will come to you at the time you most need it. The problem is whether you recognise when it does come.

Recognising opportunities when they come is about listening to your inner mind all the times. It is about your ability to keep an open mind and be perceptively receptive to all ideas. It does not matter how silly the idea may appear to be at first. It does not matter how trivial the idea may sound like initially. It does not matter how vague and inconsequential the idea may feel like when you first heard about. Even if it is coming from someone you do not like, do not dismiss it. That could be the disguise. Keep it somewhere safe, as you might need it later. Always be on the lookout for new opportunity. They say “Do not pass me by Oh, Lord”, is not a song we sing in bended knees. You have to stand up right and in full alert while singing it. Remember, beneath the Pandora Box, there is hope. It does not matter how many times you have started something and fail, the important thing is that you started something. The more things you start, the more you get closer to your success. Your opportunity will come from an unexpected source. The Law of Attraction will bring it to you at the right time. There is a Chinese saying I like so much. It goes something like this. “If you wish to start a business, start it from scratch and keep scratching it until you succeed”.

In order words, just keep doing what you know how to do. Listening to what other people are saying only derails you from your goal. No one can see what you see well than you. No one can hear what you hear well than you. No one feels what you feel well than you. It does not matter whether, in the short term, what you are doing is not taking you to the direction you had intended. As long as you keep yourself connected with your creative Source, in the end, everything will come out in your favour. I promise you.

What is your daily mantra?

Your life is in Balance when your body, your mind and your soul are working in total harmony with your spirit. It means you are living your daily life in perfect alignment with your creative Source. It means you are nourishing your body with the correct health enrichment ingredients that enable you to become the healthy person that God had intended you to be. It means you are feeding your mind with the right information that is helping you to be in form in readiness for your total transformation. It means you are learning all the learnable skills that are enabling you to be making just those little changes you are making in the lives of various people around you. It means you are manifesting the meaning of your life on earth through the things you do moment by moment.

You feel total balance in your life the moment you have recognised and accepted that you are responsible for resolving your own human problems in your life. Response-ability, they say, means the ability to respond to your external stimuli.  It means your ability to make your own decisions. It means your ability to make your own choices. It means you are no longer afraid of taking direct personal responsibility for your actions or inactions. It means you can take any action toward meeting your heart’s desires without depending on anyone else. It means you have won the blame game. We all play this game when we find someone to blame for what we think is not in balance in our life.

No one can resolve your problem. No government can tell you how to live your life. No government can tell you what to eat or drink. It is your responsibility to decide how you want to live your life. Some people have the habit of pushing their problems aside. They expect other people to solve their problems for them. They allow their daily problems to stack up and wishing that they would somehow disappear by means of some miracles. The reality is that such people are only pushing their problem to the next day. The next day, the chicken will come home to roost. Little do they realise that next day already has its own problems awaiting it. The problem you have failed to address today would be too happy to join forces with the problem of tomorrow. This leads to much bigger problems for tomorrow’s resources to cope with. The combined resources you will need to resolve both problems could be much greater than the sum of its parts. The cumulative effects of non-resolution of your daily problems would begin to give you stressful feelings. Stressful feeling is what you get when you do not know what you are doing. Prolong stressful feelings can increase your chance of developing high blood pressure. This could result in all sorts of dis-eases including cardiac arrest.

The starting point for resolving a problem and bring your life back to balance is to accept that the problem exists in the first instance. Some people live their entire life not accepting that they have a problem that they need to resolve. They are afraid of accepting the reality of life. This happens to parents when they refuse a doctor’s diagnosis that their son or daughter has a serious medical condition that needs urgent life saving operation. They would refuse to accept that such condition even exit and would refuse any such operation.

It is wisdom to live your life today as if there would be no tomorrow. If possible, you should always endeavour to resolve the problem of today as if you would not be alive to resolve it tomorrow. If I have a serious health problem and my doctor tells me that the underlying cause is smoking, I would take the first step that same day to quit smoking. The decision has to come from me. No one can force me to stop. It has to come from my mind. No government can force me to stop smoking. It becomes more challenging for me to stop if smoking has been part of my lifestyle. No member of my family can force me to stop. No amount of therapy can make me to stop if the decision does not come from my inside. It happened to me many years ago when I suddenly stopped smoking. I stopped the habit I had picked up at a very young age. I stopped smoking on the day I recognised the sacredness of my body. I stopped smoking the moment I started to become aware of my reason for living. I stopped smoking on the day I changed my question from what life had for me to what I had for life. I stopped smoking on the day I decided to accept my responsibility to my family.  I changed from a chain smoker to a non-smoker. It was a sustainable change because I had a reason for the change. For you to make any sustainable change in your life, you must diligently search for a reason for the change.  

They say there is no problem without a solution. This statement is true in every aspect of my life. I have learnt to create an imaginary empty space somewhere in my life. The space is always available for me to store any problem for which I cannot find an immediate solution. I create the imaginary space to look like a wardrobe with hooks for hanging clothes. The hooks are of various sizes depending on the size of the problem. I hang in there every problem that defiles an immediate solution. I regularly visit the space to check if the problem is still hanging there. In almost all cases, a solution comes just after a couple of days. As far as my problem resolution exercise is concerned, I can hardly multi-task. I focus on one problem at a time. If there is no immediate solution, I simply go to my space, hang up the problem there and move on with my life. This way, I have managed to rise over and above any problem. My daily mantra is “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference”. What is yours?