The way you think about a problem may be part of the problem

How many times have you been sitting on a problem and that problem simply refuses to go away? Let me put the question in another way. How many times have you had a problem sitting on your head and you simply refuse to let go of the problem? Some people deal with their problems by making it become their companion. I used to hear of ‘Student Companion’ but not ‘Problem Companion’. 

Why would anyone wish to keep a problem as a companion? Why would someone wish to live with his or her problem? Is it lack of a solution? They say there is no problem without a solution. Is it lack of courage to confront the problem? Some people think that by ignoring their problem and pretending that it does not exist, they could wish it away. They just sweep the problem under their carpet. Poor carpet, after all it cannot complain. Some people are even afraid of talking about the problem even to themselves. It is like hiding from one’s self.  A good example is a debt problem. The debtor dreads each morning’s posts. Every knock on the door brings panic. They hardly open their doors for fear of bailiffs. They would simply allow their mails to pile up without opening them. They do not seem to realise potential opportunities they stand to lose by not opening their mails. They just wished the problem could melt away. Every day takes them nearer to the D-Day when the chicken will come home to roost.   

Well, may be, after a while, they could decide to change home. They could simply leave the carpet behind.  After all, the problem has been resting under the carpet for a long time. The fact of the matter is that human problems have ears to hear what you are saying to yourself. They have eyes to see what you are doing to yourself.  They have legs to walk and follow you around wherever you go. You cannot separate them from you. You cannot escape from your problem. They are inside you. They are your thoughts. You carry them about wherever you go. Therefore, it does not matter where you choose to hide the problem; it is ever with you until you decide to do something about it. It is part of your life until you choose to confront it head-on. 

Just wait a few moments and think. I want you to think about your current problem. Think of how long it has been with you. Think of what it has done to your life. Think of what it has done to your significant half. Think of what it can still do if it continues like this. Think of what your life would be like in the next three to five years if this problem remains with you.

Now, think of it in another angle. I want you to think about this current problem. What would your life look like once the problem goes away from you? What would your life feel like? What would not having the problem mean to you, to your significant half, to your children, to your loved ones or to your parents? Just think.

Right now as you read this message, you can take the first step towards putting this long-standing problem behind you finally by doing just one simple thing. Change the way you think about the problem.  If you have been describing and treating it as a big problem, today, you should begin to describe and treat it as a small problem. I want you to imaginary cut the problem to size. The size of the problem is irrelevant here. Just accept today that, yes, this problem exist at this point in your life. Tell yourself that you want to know its purpose in your life. You want to understand what it really means in your life. You do not need to be angry at the problem anymore.

Begin to develop a new relationship with this problem. I want you to keep a psychological distance from this relationship. By psychological distance, I mean you no longer see as an enemy or a friend. Just let the problem be. Just let yourself be. However, you want to be in control of your own part of the relationship. You want to define the relationship boundaries.  You want both to agree what can be done what cannot. What is possible and what is not. It is like laying ground rules. You can even negotiate the roles together.  You must know exactly what you can accept and what you cannot in light of your current other commitments. It is living in truth, living in reality. You cannot promise what you cannot deliver. That is either deceit or ignorance. Both have the same consequence. They break down trust in the relationship.

You must accept that you are not the first to be in this type of problem. You will certainly not be the last. Once you have agreed on the ground rules and that you will no longer run away from the relationship no matter how difficult things may become in the future, you have accepted your own responsibility. Never ever, you agree on any ground rule that you cannot obey. At the same time, never ever offer an unreasonable ground rule that could give the impression that you are an escapist.  An escapist is a person that has the tendency to avoid unpleasant reality. Show that you can take responsibility for your life. Do not be afraid to talk about the problem.

Once you have reconciled inner yourself with the reality of your life and you no longer see the problem as a stigma, you are on your way to freedom. You will begin to thinking more positively. You will begin replace your self-hate with your self-love. You will begin to feel lighter in your head.  Movements in every part of your body will begin to align with your thoughts. You will begin to walk in the street with your head held high. You no longer have anything to hide from anyone. You can now begin to seek professional help for your problem. You become an open-minded person who can discuss personal problems with anyone that you belief can help you out.

Your new way of thinking will result in a new way of living. You were never born to be alone. No one is ever born to be alone. Your old way of thinking made you to think that you were alone. No human being is ever alone. If God wanted us to be alone, He would have created Adam only. In His wisdom, He chose to create Even so that Adam might not be alone. Any time you are experiencing a challenge in any area of your life, remember, you are not alone. Every problem has a solution hiding around the corner. It only needs you to ask, and you will receive, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be open for you. This is what Jesus taught his disciples over 2000 years ago. This is what I want you to learn today.

Resolving personal problems in eleven simple steps

Step 1             Find a quiet place to relax. It can be anywhere suitable that allows you a few free moments. I prefer my bedroom lying preferably first in the morning as part of my devotional prayer and meditation.

Step 2             Take 3 deep breathes and then close your eyes

Step 3             Begin to clear your mind of all your current problems. Name each problem one by one and put all of them inside an imaginary cupboard by the side of your bed.

Step 4             Having emptied your mind of all your current problems, allow your mind to be free for a few moments. Release yourself from all the worries and feel relaxed and at peace with yourself. At this very moment, you have no problem whatsoever. You are totally free just as the day you were born    

Step 5             Now, invite the problem that is currently dominating your life. The one that is uppermost in your life now. I want you to leave that problem in your mind and allow it to stay there for a few moments. That is the only problem you have in your entire life at this very point in your life.

Step 6             Allow the thought of the single problem to settle down in your mind and begin to focus on it intently. Imagine what colour is it. Red? Black? What does it feel like? Let the problem look at you in the face and you look at back as powerfully as you can. Notice the feeling you have about the problem. Do not let the way the problem is looking at you frighten you. In fact, your look should frighten the problem.   

Step 7             As you focus on this problem begin to ask yourself the following 4 questions. Do not attempt to answer any of them. Just spend a minute or two reflecting on each question as you ask it. As you ask each question, listen to what your inner voice is telling you. Notice each specific word or phrase that you are hearing. Now begin to ask yourself these four questions:

•         What is the root of the problem?

•         What does it mean to me now?

•         What does it feel to have this problem?

•         What makes it feel so bad now?

Step 8             Begin to notice any words or phrases that are coming to your mind. Some words or phrases would hit you more than the others.

Note how you feel each time a new word or phrase comes into your focus.

Step 9             Focus on those words or phrases that seem to capture the real essence of the problem at hand. Focus on one word or phrase at a time and notice what you feel.

Step 10          Once you have identified a word or phrase that most appropriately fit the essence of the problem at hand, begin a regular meditation on that word or phrase until you begin to feel some librating movements in your body. Hold on to those words or phrases. At least one of them holds the key to the problem.

Step 11          Set up an action plan to resolve the problem using your answers to each of the following six questions to guide you:

                       

•         What will I be feeling when the problem is resolved?

•         What do I need to resolve the problem?

•         What are the various ways to resolve this problem?

•         What is the best ways to resolve the problem?

•         Who do I need to contact for help?

•         What step can I take right now to start resolving the problem?

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Questions, comments and feedbacks

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You are blessed

Matthew

Living without secrecy

 I used to tell my children when they were much younger that they must never do anything in secret that they knew they would not be proud to admit in public. I used to tell them that there was no secrecy in living. By this, I was not suggesting that they could not keep some secrets from some people to protect their privacy. I was not suggestion that they were not free to choose which information they could willingly share with me, their mum, their friends or other people without being pressurised to do so.  I was not even referring to some personal secrets that they belief were harmless to them and to others such as not wanting their friends to know the details of their examination results, etc. 

People can keep such secrets to avoid embarrassment. People can tell lies to boost their ego. I am by no means suggesting that telling lies is a good thing. This is far from it. A lie is a lie; there is no big or small lie. The point I am trying to make here is that people can protect their privacy by keeping some aspects of their lives secret provided it causes no one any harm. Discretion, wisdom and common sense therefore, should guide individual in making choices as to what they wish to keep secret and from whom. Having said that, I taught my children to understand that it is not sensible to keep a secret from the person that could help them get out of the problem they have created for themselves because of keeping the secret. I think my children have successfully grown up to understand the practicality of this basic human philosophy of living a happy life.

What I was referring to is a situation in which people actively and persistently keep certain areas of their lives in absolute secrecy in order to protect their personal privacy. What could trigger such behaviour may be something that happened at one stage in the person’s life. It could be a child abuse by a close member of the family. It could be a classmate in school, college or university had bullied them. It could be systemic work related discrimination. It could be through a broken relationship. The list is endless. Each of these can create both emotional and physical damage to the individual.

When people are in such a situation and no immediate step taken to deal with it, over a long period, the effect could be devastating to the individual and those round them. Some are capable of leading to mental health problems. I can even lead some people to commit suicide. Some situations could be as bad as that. It would normally have begun when an individual is unable to let go of the past. Moving forward becomes an impossible task. They see everything in their lives within the lens of what had happened to them in the past. They see no future for themselves because of what had happened to them in the past. They wished the event never took place in their life. They wished the past never existed. They hate themselves for being who they are. They find it hard to take their thoughts from the events of the past. They relive each traumatic event of the past as if it is just happening. They are unable to take their minds away from the past. This prevents them from taking action to deal with the events of today. It blocks their vision from seeing what their future would be like.

The more they think about what had happened to them, the higher the level of hatred for themselves or for the other party involved. That area of their life becomes a dark spot, a shadow, which follows them wherever they go. The area becomes a no go area. They can do anything under the sun to protect it from coming into the surface. It is like a brick wall. There is apprehension if anyone tries to help them break the wall. They recoil into themselves. They become suspicious of anyone who genuinely wants to help them to come out of their shell. Lies become the bodyguards for protecting that area they want to keep away from people around them. They have to invent one lie to support another. Life becomes a vicious circle of lies, deceits and innuendo all in an attempt to protect perceived personal privacy that reminds them of their past.

People in this type of situation can start to help themselves by letting go of their past and move forward with their lives. They need to understand that there is no secrecy in living. They first have to recognise the reality of life. The reality of life is that nothing is happening in the life of anyone today that has not happened in the life of another person in the past. The difference is in how individual responds to what happens to them. When something happens, some people may see an opportunity in it whilst others may see a problem. The person who sees an ‘opportunity’ in a ‘problem’ would easily let go of the past, learn from what happened, take advantage of the opportunity and move forward with his or her life. The person who sees a ‘problem’ in a ‘problem’, keeps thinking of the problem, learns nothing from the problem, keeps thinking negatively in the past and unable to move forward with his or her life. The difference between these two types of people is enormous. The difference is in the difference between success and failure, between good and evil, between sadness and joy, between good health and dis-eases, and, most worryingly, between life and death.  

When people think they have life-stagnating problems, I tell them to wait until they see other people whose problems are even much bigger and much more challenging. For some people, the way they define their problems is the problem. For some people, what may have started as a simple test of their faith and an opportunity to find their sense of purpose and meaning of their life becomes the end of their live. They create both physical and spiritual barriers for themselves. They close their minds to any idea that could help them to step out of their self-imposed exile. They live in a world completely out of sync with the reality of living. The reality is living is that there is nothing new under the sun. There is no secrecy in living. What people in such a situation fail to realise is that the way they have chosen to deal with the problem they have affect their loved ones much more than it is affecting them personally. If they do not want to change their life for their own good, at least they could think about changing their life for the sake of their loved ones. It is a simple as that. The moment they can change their negative thought process, their lives will begin to change for the better.

Your first step to sustainable change can start the moment you muster the courage to open up and share your past with a trusted person. The trusted person could be your spouse, parents, guardians, a friend, a crisis intervention professional who provide therapy, counselling or life coaching. Taking your first step is not going to be an easy thing to do. But, what is your option? I cannot think of any. They say a problem share is a problem solved. This is the wisdom of old. It is as relevant in today’s world as it was in days gone by. This is the reality of life. There is no secrecy in living. Nothing is secret under the sun. This is in alignment with the teaching of Jesus when he said “for there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that is should come to light”. This is the truth.

Living in security even without money

What would make a person feel totally secure without money? In order words, is it possible for a human being to have total security without money? What can humankind do without money? Can you live without money? Your answers to these questions depend on your understanding of your core values and beliefs. It depends on your understanding of the role of money. Money, as they often say, is a means to an end. To this, I would add, money is one of several means to an end. It is like a road map.

A road map can take you to a destination, a territory. A road map is not the territory. A road map is useless unless it can take you to your destination. You can have a good, clear map that takes you to a wrong place. Money is good to enable you fulfil your destiny. However, you can still fulfil your destiny without it. This is fundamental to an understanding of the role of money in living a happy, purposeful and self-fulfilling life.

Means follows purpose. You cannot achieve a purpose without the means. The means can range from money, human to goodwill. Therefore, money is just one of many means to an end. The reality is that many people think money is the end in itself.  That is why they would do anything to have it. The more money they have, the more problems they invite into their lives. Such people may have the money but they have no purpose. To me, money without a purpose is like water flowing through a conduit pipe and draining into the gutter.

Money with a purpose is like sowing a seed. It is like sowing the biblical grain of mustard seed in a field. It starts with a very tiny seed. If well looked after, nurtured, well watered and fed with a variety of nutrients, it will grow to become big tree so that it becomes a resting place for all the birds.  Money plus a purpose is the secret of wealth creation.

Purpose determines the type and size of the means required to achieve it. The more you focus on money as the only means of achieving a purpose, the more you are likely to miss all the opportunities that come through other means. Conversely, the more you focus on purpose, the more you are likely to open up yourself to various other means of achieving it.

 Some people would say money is the root of all evils. I totally disagree with this old saying. Money is not the root of any evil. The root of all evils resides inside of each human being. There is neither good nor evil in money. There may be evil in the purpose for which you use money.  If you use money for an evil purpose, it does not make the money to be evil. It only makes you an evil person. If you use money for a good purpose, it does not make the money to be good. It only makes you a good person. Therefore, I do not belief for a moment that money is the root of any evil. To say that would mean that money controls you instead of the other way round.

Seeking purpose first instead of the means seems to be perfectly in alignment with the teaching of Jesus. “Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you”. It is like laying a foundation of a house. You cannot put up the roof before the walls are in place. It is about doing the first things first. This is consistent with the order of creation. God started His creative work with an intention, a purpose. He knew what he wanted to do. He was clear about what He wanted to achieve. After that, He created the means of achieving His intention, His purpose. Some of the first means He created included heaven, earth, light, firmament, land, sea, plants, animals and finally humans. This makes sense to me. It is logical. Means follows purpose.

A purpose led life is living in the order of creation. It is living in fellowship with one another. It is living in love with one another. It is living in harmony with one another. It is living in kindness with one another. It is living in peace with oneself and with one another. It is living and sharing what you have with one another.

When you live a life of purpose, money no longer becomes your end but one of several means to an end. Money no longer becomes your master but your servant. Money no longer becomes your god but your means to achieve God’s purpose. When you live a purpose led life, your security no longer resides in money but under the shadow of the almighty. You will begin to know that your security and happiness no longer depend on what you have or what you do not have. When trouble comes, and you know that you are not alone, you will laugh in your heart and rejoice in the universal power.

Now, do you belief that it is possible to live a life without money and still feel totally secure?

Let your imagination run wild

Imagine a life in which you feel no limitations, without boundaries or labels. Picture a life in which you feel no less or more important than the person next door. See in your mind's eye a life in which tallness or shortness does not give you a feeling of advantage or disadvantage over the person next to you.  Visualize a life in which your skin colour does not make you feel uniquely different from other people around you. Think of a life in which there is no concept of beauty or ugliness to describe your physical appearance that could make you feel more or less attractive than other colleagues do.

We live in a world of human diversity. In diversity, there is oneness. In oneness, there is purpose and meaning for humankind. In purpose and meaning of life, each person finds self-fulfillment and happiness. In the pursuit for individual purpose and meaning, there is no division. No one is less important, less able, less superior, less intelligent or less attractive than anyone else is. Everyone is important for his or her own purpose. Everyone is beautiful in his or her own way.  Everyone is able in his or her own purpose in life. Everyone is capable according to his or her ability. Everyone is superior for his or her own purpose in life. Everyone is intelligent enough to achieve his or her purpose in life. Everyone has everything within him or herself to achieve his or her purpose in life.

There is a seed of greatness in everyone. You only need to nurture your own seed.  You only need to take care of it. You only need to feed it with nourishments. You only need to water it regularly. Everyone has the potentials that are yet to be released. Everyone has a gift to share with the world. Some people may have buried treasures that are waiting for exploration. They may have allowed other people to put them down. Everyone has something unique to offer to the world. No person can take away yours from you.  No one can take your place on earth.

If you have allowed your disappointments and failures to keep your treasures buried, it is time to dig them out. If you have allowed insecurity and low self-esteem to convince you that you do not have anything special to offer, it is time to liberate yourself from such feelings. If you have totally convinced yourself that you are just an average ordinary person, it is time you become aware that you originate from a Great Source, you are living a Great Life and you will return to your Great Source.

The question therefore is what makes some people feel more able, more attractive, more superior, more intelligent or more important than another person? Let me put question the other way round. What makes some people feel less able, less librated, less attractive, less superior, less intelligent or and less important than another person? I can suggest three answers. They are EGO, EGO, and EGO.

What is ego? Ego is the “I” or the “self” of a person. This is what gives you the feeling of what you are and who you are. This is what gives you the feeling of what you think you can do or cannot do. This is what gives you the feeling of your ability to do, to be or to have whatever you want in life. The feeling can be low, high or supper high. That is why they say some people have low ego, or low self-esteem, high ego or high self-esteem or super ego. Each of these is a feeling from your inside. They affect the way you relate to the people around you. They are the feelings of self- importance or self-worth. You can use it to oppress or depress the people around you. How people respond depends on their own ego.   

Ego is ego, it does not matter whether it is low, high or supper. It is the feeling you have the moment you begin to think that you are alone in the universe. It is the feeling you get the moment you begin to think that “I”, “me” and “myself” are going through this or that problem. It is the feeling you get when you attribute your personal successes to yourself alone. That is the moment for self-congratulations. The moment you think no one else matters but you and you alone.

The antonyms of ego include humility or meekness. This is the feeling that makes you to recognise that humankind come from one creative Source. This is the feeling that enables you to acknowledge that there is a power that is above all human powers. This is the feeling that gives you the awareness that the creative Source holds the whole universe together.  This is the feeling that makes you to belief you are not alone in the universe. This is the feeling that enables you to attribute all your personal successes and achievements to a divine power. This is a feeling of total surrender of your life to your creative Source. This is the feeling that perpetually encourages you to give thanks to the Source of all creation. This is the feeling that comes from the inner knowing that all human beings are equal before the creative Source. This is the feeling you get when you realise human oneness and human indivisibility. This is the feeling that knows and understands the nature of love, of kindness, of living in abundance, of sharing, of giving and of human progress. This is the feeling that keeps you equally connected with other human beings on earth irrespective of their race, culture, religion, age, sexual orientation, education, etc.

Imagine a world in which there is one wall. Imagine a world in which there is one language. Imagine a world in which there is one culture. Imagine a world in which there is one race. Imagine a world in which the only wall is the end of the earth. Imagine a world in which the only language is love. Imagine a world in which the only culture is kindness. Imagine a world in which the only race is human race. Imagine living is such a world, what would you be feeling? What would you be doing? What would you be saying to yourself? Just imagine!

Living like water

What would it feel like if we could just live life like water? Water, they say, has no enemy.  It has no legs, yet when it becomes a stream, it can travel miles and miles without the aid of a compass. It knows when to merge with a river. The river knows which ocean to dump its contents.  Water knows its bearing. Water does not talk, yet when an ocean produces waves, you can hear the sound as it moves across the surface of the ocean.

When water becomes a stream and decides to make its journey to a river, nothing can stop it from getting to the river. When the stream becomes a river and decides to make its journey to an ocean, no human power can prevent it from getting to the ocean. This is because; quoting Lao Tzu, “nothing in the world is more flexible and yielding than water”. When a stream or a river meets any obstacle, it has the patience of God. It can wait for as long it takes to overcome the obstacle. No matter how long the waiting, it does not surrender. It does not give in or give up.  Water remains water. It does not need to alter its ego to proof that it is water. It does not need to change its characteristic to overcome the barrier. It just continues to be water until the obstructing nature surrenders to the supernatural power of water. Because it knows its destination, water does not return to its origin. It keeps going until its mission is accomplished.

Water has no hands, yet it can touch lives. Our lives depend on it. Biologically, an average adult body is 50 to 65 percent water. For children, it is even more. You need water to drink. You need water to clean yourself and your household stuff. You need water to grow your farm produce. You need water to cook. You need water to do just about anything. There is no life without water, and yet water does not seek your approval to be water. It does not introduce itself to you as water. It does not even matter what name you may call it. It will remain what it is. It does not need to act as if it is water, because it is.

Living life like water is about living on purpose. It is about living flexibly. It is about living patiently. It is about living peacefully within your environment. It is about knowing the meaning of your life and living it meaningfully.  It is about your ability to keep making progress in your life by patiently and continuously working around the things you cannot understand in life. It is about remaining who you are at all times.  As water does not need to be something else in order to fulfil its role, so also you do not need to be any other person in order to fulfil your destiny. Water does not need to announce itself was water before you know it is water. So also, you do not need to announce who you are. What you do or not do tells people who you are. What you say makes people to understand who you are. They say action speaks louder than voice.   

As water has no enemy, so you do not have any enemy. Making water an enemy is counterproductive. People who attempt to make water their enemy only find themselves drowning in water.  As water does not need anyone in order to fulfil its multifaceted roles, so you do not need anyone in order to fulfil all your own roles in life. As people go out in search of water whenever they need it for one purpose or another, so people who need you will go out searching for you. As the supply of water is inexhaustible in the ocean, so you become an source of inexhaustible supplier of good things to others. Only that you must remain who you are. Remaining who you are means doing whatever you best know how to do.

When water becomes a stream, it learns how to reach its destination by meandering and ultimately ending up merging with a river. In the same way, you can become whatever you want in life by learning whatever new skills you need to learn in order for you to take the next step towards reaching your final destination. When water becomes a river, it learns to exercise a lot of patience in overcoming major obstacles on its way to the ocean. In the same way, you can learn to be as patient as a vulture when pursuing a highly challenging but ultimately rewarding goal. When water becomes a river, it learns the art of yielding to its natural environment as it makes its journey to the ocean. In the same way, you can learn to understand and align yourself with the natural environments that surround that which you are seeking to do, have or be.

How can we live like water? What is the essence of living like water? Water has no ego. It is flexible. It is yielding. Above all, water has no enemy. Living like water is the ultimate of living a life in the balance.