Living without secrecy

 I used to tell my children when they were much younger that they must never do anything in secret that they knew they would not be proud to admit in public. I used to tell them that there was no secrecy in living. By this, I was not suggesting that they could not keep some secrets from some people to protect their privacy. I was not suggestion that they were not free to choose which information they could willingly share with me, their mum, their friends or other people without being pressurised to do so.  I was not even referring to some personal secrets that they belief were harmless to them and to others such as not wanting their friends to know the details of their examination results, etc. 

People can keep such secrets to avoid embarrassment. People can tell lies to boost their ego. I am by no means suggesting that telling lies is a good thing. This is far from it. A lie is a lie; there is no big or small lie. The point I am trying to make here is that people can protect their privacy by keeping some aspects of their lives secret provided it causes no one any harm. Discretion, wisdom and common sense therefore, should guide individual in making choices as to what they wish to keep secret and from whom. Having said that, I taught my children to understand that it is not sensible to keep a secret from the person that could help them get out of the problem they have created for themselves because of keeping the secret. I think my children have successfully grown up to understand the practicality of this basic human philosophy of living a happy life.

What I was referring to is a situation in which people actively and persistently keep certain areas of their lives in absolute secrecy in order to protect their personal privacy. What could trigger such behaviour may be something that happened at one stage in the person’s life. It could be a child abuse by a close member of the family. It could be a classmate in school, college or university had bullied them. It could be systemic work related discrimination. It could be through a broken relationship. The list is endless. Each of these can create both emotional and physical damage to the individual.

When people are in such a situation and no immediate step taken to deal with it, over a long period, the effect could be devastating to the individual and those round them. Some are capable of leading to mental health problems. I can even lead some people to commit suicide. Some situations could be as bad as that. It would normally have begun when an individual is unable to let go of the past. Moving forward becomes an impossible task. They see everything in their lives within the lens of what had happened to them in the past. They see no future for themselves because of what had happened to them in the past. They wished the event never took place in their life. They wished the past never existed. They hate themselves for being who they are. They find it hard to take their thoughts from the events of the past. They relive each traumatic event of the past as if it is just happening. They are unable to take their minds away from the past. This prevents them from taking action to deal with the events of today. It blocks their vision from seeing what their future would be like.

The more they think about what had happened to them, the higher the level of hatred for themselves or for the other party involved. That area of their life becomes a dark spot, a shadow, which follows them wherever they go. The area becomes a no go area. They can do anything under the sun to protect it from coming into the surface. It is like a brick wall. There is apprehension if anyone tries to help them break the wall. They recoil into themselves. They become suspicious of anyone who genuinely wants to help them to come out of their shell. Lies become the bodyguards for protecting that area they want to keep away from people around them. They have to invent one lie to support another. Life becomes a vicious circle of lies, deceits and innuendo all in an attempt to protect perceived personal privacy that reminds them of their past.

People in this type of situation can start to help themselves by letting go of their past and move forward with their lives. They need to understand that there is no secrecy in living. They first have to recognise the reality of life. The reality of life is that nothing is happening in the life of anyone today that has not happened in the life of another person in the past. The difference is in how individual responds to what happens to them. When something happens, some people may see an opportunity in it whilst others may see a problem. The person who sees an ‘opportunity’ in a ‘problem’ would easily let go of the past, learn from what happened, take advantage of the opportunity and move forward with his or her life. The person who sees a ‘problem’ in a ‘problem’, keeps thinking of the problem, learns nothing from the problem, keeps thinking negatively in the past and unable to move forward with his or her life. The difference between these two types of people is enormous. The difference is in the difference between success and failure, between good and evil, between sadness and joy, between good health and dis-eases, and, most worryingly, between life and death.  

When people think they have life-stagnating problems, I tell them to wait until they see other people whose problems are even much bigger and much more challenging. For some people, the way they define their problems is the problem. For some people, what may have started as a simple test of their faith and an opportunity to find their sense of purpose and meaning of their life becomes the end of their live. They create both physical and spiritual barriers for themselves. They close their minds to any idea that could help them to step out of their self-imposed exile. They live in a world completely out of sync with the reality of living. The reality is living is that there is nothing new under the sun. There is no secrecy in living. What people in such a situation fail to realise is that the way they have chosen to deal with the problem they have affect their loved ones much more than it is affecting them personally. If they do not want to change their life for their own good, at least they could think about changing their life for the sake of their loved ones. It is a simple as that. The moment they can change their negative thought process, their lives will begin to change for the better.

Your first step to sustainable change can start the moment you muster the courage to open up and share your past with a trusted person. The trusted person could be your spouse, parents, guardians, a friend, a crisis intervention professional who provide therapy, counselling or life coaching. Taking your first step is not going to be an easy thing to do. But, what is your option? I cannot think of any. They say a problem share is a problem solved. This is the wisdom of old. It is as relevant in today’s world as it was in days gone by. This is the reality of life. There is no secrecy in living. Nothing is secret under the sun. This is in alignment with the teaching of Jesus when he said “for there is nothing hidden which will not be revealed, nor has anything been kept secret but that is should come to light”. This is the truth.