How popular are you among your friends? What makes you popular? What is your personal approval rating? Why is it important for you to be popular among your friends or colleagues? How popular do you want to be?
Why do some people need other people's approval to do things they feel are important in their life? So long as you know that you are doing that which you think is right for you, you certainly do not need the permission of anybody including your friends, your parents, or even your spouse to do it?
There are many reasons why some people seek approval before they can do anything. Perhaps they do not belief in what they are trying to do. Perhaps they do not even belief in themselves. May be they lack the skills or the means to do what they want to do. They may be trying to boost their ego trying to show off to friends what they can do. Whatever their reason for seeking approval, it all boils down to personal insecurity. I define personal insecurity as a feeling you get when you think you are not good enough to accomplish a personal challenge in life. That is when you begin to search for people to reassure you that you are ok. Each time you get a positive response, your self-confidence level goes up. Each time you get a negative response your self-confidence level does down.
Knowing what you stand for means you can act according to what your mind tells you. It means you can act independent of the opinion of others. It means you do not need the approval of anyone to live your life the way want it. It means you cannot be pushed around by your friends. It means you can stand up for yourself even before your boss without being rude to him or her. It means you do not have to follow the crowd. It means you do not have to justify the choices and decisions you have made about your life. It means you do not have to be popular among your friends, your family, your colleagues, etc. It means you do not need to explain yourself to anybody. It means, above all else, you owe no one anything and no one owes you anything.
When you have succeeded in knowing who you are, what you stand for and where you want to go, you no longer need anybody to like you. You no longer need anybody to understand you. You no longer need to be understood because you already understand yourself and what you want in life. You live your life independent of anybody’s opinion.
If the approval of people is what you need to succeed in life, you can never have enough. A book I read recently compared approval seeking with a man walking on the street holding a cup in his hand and asking people passing by to help him fill it up with water. The problem is that there are several holes under the cup. Each time someone pours in some water, his approval rating goes up. As water leaks out of the cup, his approval rating drops and it keeps dropping until another favours him by pouring water into the cup.
What he needs to do first is to block the hole in the cup. In order words, you have to block your inner urge to feel the need for other people’s approval in order to live a happy and purposeful life. This is not suggesting that we all do not want people to like us. I certainly do and I belief you do too. It is a good feeling to know that people like me. This is however should not be the reason for doing what you do. It should be the bi-product. When you do a good deed and people thank you for doing it, you feel a sense of accomplishment. You should not offer help to the needy simply because you want them to like you. You should offer help to people because you belief it is your duty to do so. In the morning, you do not stop at the bus stop to say hello to your neighbour simply because you want him or her to like you. You should stop to say hello to them because you belief that it is good to build good personal relationship with people. In the bus, you should not give up your seat to a person that needs the space more than you do simply because you want people around you to think that you are a nice person. You should do it regularly as part of your selfless service to humanity.
On a final note, I want you to be very wary of complements as some may be criticisms in disguise. Some people use both to manipulate behaviour but complements are more socially acceptable. I want you to become more wary of both as they produce the same effect. A compliment increases your desire to work harder in order to please the person giving the complement. A criticism increases your desire to work even harder in order to disprove your critic. Both are capable of putting you under pressure. Pressure, they say, is what you get when you do not know what you are doing.
Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Act according to yourself. Trust your inner self. Stand for what you belief if right for you and the society. Do not seek to make people change what they think about you. It is a fruitless effort. Rather, seek to change what you think about yourself, develop your own personal approval rating and live by it. Once you have achieved that mindset, you have succeeded in changing your life forever.
Why do some people need other people's approval to do things they feel are important in their life? So long as you know that you are doing that which you think is right for you, you certainly do not need the permission of anybody including your friends, your parents, or even your spouse to do it?
There are many reasons why some people seek approval before they can do anything. Perhaps they do not belief in what they are trying to do. Perhaps they do not even belief in themselves. May be they lack the skills or the means to do what they want to do. They may be trying to boost their ego trying to show off to friends what they can do. Whatever their reason for seeking approval, it all boils down to personal insecurity. I define personal insecurity as a feeling you get when you think you are not good enough to accomplish a personal challenge in life. That is when you begin to search for people to reassure you that you are ok. Each time you get a positive response, your self-confidence level goes up. Each time you get a negative response your self-confidence level does down.
Knowing what you stand for means you can act according to what your mind tells you. It means you can act independent of the opinion of others. It means you do not need the approval of anyone to live your life the way want it. It means you cannot be pushed around by your friends. It means you can stand up for yourself even before your boss without being rude to him or her. It means you do not have to follow the crowd. It means you do not have to justify the choices and decisions you have made about your life. It means you do not have to be popular among your friends, your family, your colleagues, etc. It means you do not need to explain yourself to anybody. It means, above all else, you owe no one anything and no one owes you anything.
When you have succeeded in knowing who you are, what you stand for and where you want to go, you no longer need anybody to like you. You no longer need anybody to understand you. You no longer need to be understood because you already understand yourself and what you want in life. You live your life independent of anybody’s opinion.
If the approval of people is what you need to succeed in life, you can never have enough. A book I read recently compared approval seeking with a man walking on the street holding a cup in his hand and asking people passing by to help him fill it up with water. The problem is that there are several holes under the cup. Each time someone pours in some water, his approval rating goes up. As water leaks out of the cup, his approval rating drops and it keeps dropping until another favours him by pouring water into the cup.
What he needs to do first is to block the hole in the cup. In order words, you have to block your inner urge to feel the need for other people’s approval in order to live a happy and purposeful life. This is not suggesting that we all do not want people to like us. I certainly do and I belief you do too. It is a good feeling to know that people like me. This is however should not be the reason for doing what you do. It should be the bi-product. When you do a good deed and people thank you for doing it, you feel a sense of accomplishment. You should not offer help to the needy simply because you want them to like you. You should offer help to people because you belief it is your duty to do so. In the morning, you do not stop at the bus stop to say hello to your neighbour simply because you want him or her to like you. You should stop to say hello to them because you belief that it is good to build good personal relationship with people. In the bus, you should not give up your seat to a person that needs the space more than you do simply because you want people around you to think that you are a nice person. You should do it regularly as part of your selfless service to humanity.
On a final note, I want you to be very wary of complements as some may be criticisms in disguise. Some people use both to manipulate behaviour but complements are more socially acceptable. I want you to become more wary of both as they produce the same effect. A compliment increases your desire to work harder in order to please the person giving the complement. A criticism increases your desire to work even harder in order to disprove your critic. Both are capable of putting you under pressure. Pressure, they say, is what you get when you do not know what you are doing.
Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Act according to yourself. Trust your inner self. Stand for what you belief if right for you and the society. Do not seek to make people change what they think about you. It is a fruitless effort. Rather, seek to change what you think about yourself, develop your own personal approval rating and live by it. Once you have achieved that mindset, you have succeeded in changing your life forever.
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