Learning to space your thoughts

 How often do you take the time to listen to yourself? When do you need to listen to yourself? Why do you think you need to listen to yourself? In fact, what does listening to oneself mean?

Self-listening is about noticing what is happening in every area of your humanity. It is about listening to your body and noticing any change in your well-being. It is about listening to your mind and noticing what is going on. It is about listening to your dreams and noticing what they mean in your life. It is about listening to your heartbeat and noticing the pattern of the rhythm.  

Self-listening is a way of communicating with yourself. Some people call it self-talk, or your inner voice.  They come from your thoughts. Psychologists have suggested that we have over 50,000 thoughts a day.  These thoughts may be either positive or negative. Each thought is an opportunity to listen to your inner voice. Each provides an opportunity to listen to what your mind is saying to you. Your mind should not deceive you, because it is your mind. Your voice should lie to you, because it is your mind. The more thoughts you have on a particular subject matter, the more important the matter probably is to you, the more difficult it becomes for you to make a decision on it.

Some people act on the first thing their inner voice tells them to do either positive or negative. Such people do not wait for a second thought.  They act on their instinct. They are quick to act on the first thing their mind tells them to do. They say such people are quick thinkers and quick decision makers  

Some people wait for a second thought. Others wait to have several thoughts before they take any action. Such people do not just act on the first thing their inner voice tells them to do. They call such people deep thinkers. Some people call them reflective thinkers.  They are slow thinkers and slow in making decisions. Part of their thinking and decision-making process is that they take their time to notice the empty spaces that lie in-between their thoughts.  They perceive each thought as a module. Between each module is an empty space. The space holds the secret key that helps them unlock the true meaning of the message coming from each thought.  To such people, they can perceive what their inner voice is telling them by accessing that empty space between their thoughts.

People who have a discerning mind have an advanced ability to access that empty space. Whilst some people can access that empty space between their first and second thought, others might need several thoughts. They access each empty space between their thoughts before they make their final decision. That is why some people seem to be quicker in making decisions than others. It does not mean one is better than the other.

Let me give you an illustration to explain the importance of that empty space that lies between your thoughts.

Take a closer look at the last sentence above.

Now look at the following sentence.

letmegiveyouanillustrationtoexplaintheimportanceoftheemptyspacethatliesbetweenyourthoughts.

Do you notice the difference between the two sentences?  

What makes it easier for you to read and understand the first sentence than the second?

It is the power of the empty space that lies in-between each word. Without each of the empty spaces, the whole writing becomes hard for you to read except you are a code breaker. 

What I am saying here is that as matters of habit you should always give space to your thoughts. Spacing your thoughts gives clarity to your intention. There is a secret in each empty space between your thoughts.  It holds the solution to your problem. It points you to the right person you need to meet for the help you urgently require. It directs you to the right place and the right person to find the answer to the problem that may have been nagging you for weeks.  It offers you the clue to what you need to know, learn or understand in order to make the next move.  It opens your eyes to see what you need to see in order to build a clearer picture of the future you desire for yourself. It opens your ears to hear what you need to hear in order to become more aware of your inner strengths. 

Never allow one thought to pass you by without noticing the space before the next. Make it your habit to listen and understand what is in those empty spaces. The moment you start noticing the contents of the empty space between your thoughts and acting on what you hear, you will begin to take actions that are in alignment with your Creative Source. You will begin to feel less need for outer help for your inner problems.  I promise you.

Understanding the meaning of your life

Whenever I find myself speaking about value life balance, what I intend to convey to people is the search for the meaning of life. This is not just about work/life balance, as some people seem to interpret. It is about your life as an individual. It is about finding a connection to your Source in everything you do on a daily basis. It is about knowing the ‘why’ of your living. They say “one who has a ‘why’ to live can bear almost any how”. It is about finding a meaning in your illness. It is about finding a purpose for your relationships. It is about finding a meaning in living healthily. It is about finding a purpose for the challenging period that you may be currently going through.  It is about finding a meaning even in your sufferings.

Your life is like a journey. It takes you over to the mountaintop, through the valley, and over the sea. When you are down, your ‘why’ picks you up and you get going again. When you are climbing a mountain and your energy seems to be failing you, your ‘why’ will sustain you to the top. When you are walking through a valley and you begin to lose control, your ‘why’ will let you see a purpose for what you are going through. When you are swimming across a river and you find yourself sinking, your ‘why’ will give you the reason to keep swimming. You experience the meaning of your life moment by moment. This is value life balance. It helps you to understand the reason behind every situation you find yourself in your journey in life.   

Everything you do moment by moment gives you an opportunity to understand the meaning of your life. Your life on earth is like a race. It has a start time and an end time. It started the moment you were born. It will end the moment you die. Your birth was a certainty. You cannot change it. Your death is also a certainty. You cannot avoid it. What is uncertain to you is the meaning of your existence. You have the power to live your life they way you wish. The way you choose to live your life is determined by your understanding of the meaning for your existence.

The search for the meaning of your life starts from knowing that you were born into this mortal world for a purpose, to play a unique role that no one else can play but you. You have between the moment you were born and the moment you will die to play that role. You already know when you were born, but you do not know when you will die. No one in this world can play the unique role that you have come into this world to play. No other person on earth has the specific requirements to accomplish the purpose for which you have been born. You came into this mortal world with everything you need to play the role. You only need to look creatively around you and you will begin to notice how nature has nurtured and prepared you for where you are today. Notice also how nature has worked favourably for you to make everything you need available to you at the right time, in the right place and in the right proportion. When I say everything, I mean everything, including all the resources you need to play that role.        

You can experience the meaning and purpose of your life through your day-to-day actions. You can experience it through your creative work of art and through your personal achievements. You can experience it through the depth of the love, kindness and affection you share with the people around you. You can experience it through your ability to connect and reconnect your thoughts with your Source. You can experience it through the way you interpret the various challenges in your life. You can experience it through the depth of your appreciation of the beauty inherent in all God's creations.

Your purpose in life shows up in various forms or shapes. Are you good at making peace between two or more people? You can experience the meaning of your life when you begin to notice that your presence alone in any gathering generates peace and harmony. You will experience it the moment you begin to notice the number of people and the frequency at which other people invite you to help in dispute resolutions, between two or more people, between communities, and even between nation states. Are you an inherently happy person? You will experience the meaning of your life the moment you begin to notice the happy feelings you bring into any environment you find yourself in whether at your home, in your office or at members’ club. Are you a generous person? You will experience the meaning of your life the moment you begin to notice the feeling of abundance in the lives of the people that share your earnings with you. You will begin to notice also that the more you stretch out your hands to give, the more you see yourself living your life in abundance. You will begin to notice that as you meet the needs of others, your Source keeps supplying your own needs. Are you an entertainer? You will experience the meaning of your life the moment you begin to notice the hearty laughter you keep bringing into the lives of other people around you. Scientists have said that a regular dose of hearty laughter has the capacity to improve blood circulation and potentially reduces the risk of heart attack. What better medicine against dis-eases can you prescribe to people? Are you a mentor, a counsellor, a teacher or a coach? You will experience the meaning of your life the moment you begin to notice how your work has continued to positively change the lives of other people, how you have helped them to find their purpose and meaning in life. Are you a cleaner, a cook, a painter, a plumber, or a decorator?  You will experience the meaning of your life the moment you begin to notice how what you do on a daily basis keep adding value to the quality of life of other people so that they too are able to find their own purpose in life.

Finally, permit me to tell you that your life has a purpose. It has a meaning. It is your responsibility to discover it. It is your duty to know and understand the meaning. You must first actively seek to know your values. Second, you must develop a deeper understanding of your beliefs. Third, you must change your thoughts. Fourth, you must begin to live your life moment by moment. Fifth, you must begin to notice the positive changes in the way other people connected with you are living their lives. I belief this is the way to understanding the meaning and purpose of your life.

Happiness is your birthright

What makes you feel happy? What does a feeling of happiness give you? Conversely, what makes you feel unhappy? What does a feeling of unhappiness give you? What does a feeling of unhappiness take away from you? These are not rhetorical questions just for the sake of asking. They are questions that go deep into the way we live our lives. These questions challenge the way you think about the people you have considered important in your live. They challenge the way you think about members of your immediate and extended family, your close friends, your colleagues, your boss, your neighbours, etc. They challenge the way you think about people you meet in public places such as when walking along the road, standing at a bus stop, shopping in a supermarket, riding in a train, queuing to buy a stamp in your local Post Office, driving your car on the high street or cycling along the road. They affect the way you think just about anything or anyone you meet on a daily basis. 

What is responsible for your changing feeling of happiness? Happiness is a constant factor, a spirit that resides in every one of us. Psychologists have confirmed that we are at our highest performance when we are happy. The opposite also holds true. Happiness is inside of every one of us. You only need to activate your own. You have the power to switch it on and off just like your electric current to light up your bulb. Happiness does not change. It originates from your Creator. It flows from and back to your Source.

You are therefore happiness. You were born into happiness, you live in happiness and you will go back to happiness. The person next to you is happiness. There is happiness in everyone and in everything created by God. Happiness is the nature of everyone and everything that God has created. All members of your family both immediate and extended are happiness. All your friends, all your neighbours, all your colleagues, and even your boss are happiness. Everyone you meet on the road is happiness.

The question therefore is, how can happiness depart from happiness and go into happiness and become unhappiness? It is illogical to me. It does not make any sense at all.

The reason for that is your thought. Your thought is the changing factor.  Human thoughts have both positive and negative energy. Your thought is like the switch that controls when you have light or darkness in your living room. You can use your thoughts to switch your happiness on and off as and when you choose to. It is totally in your control. You manage the switch using the power of your mind. When your thought is negative, you act negatively. When you act negatively, your spirit of happiness becomes totally disempowered. You disconnect it from your Source. Negative thoughts are not in alignment with your Source. Unhappiness is incongruent with your Creator. Your persistent feeling of unhappiness leads to stressful thoughts. Prolong period of stressful thoughts leads to depression, the antonym of happiness.

At any point in time, you have a choice of acting either depressively or happily. An extended period of depressive actions brings sadness into your life. Your body becomes a natural habitat for all sorts of dis-ease. On the other hand, an extended period of happy actions brings peace, love, harmony, kindness, joy and good health in your life.

You are the architect of your own life. You hold no one or anything responsible for how you choose to live your live. Nobody can make you feel unhappy without your permission.

One of the things that easily bring a feeling of unhappiness into my own life is whenever I have a disagreement with a family member, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour or anybody and I have no opportunity for reconciliation. I run away from such situations like a plague. If possible, I will not sleep until I settle the matter. This is even when I strongly belief that I am right. I go the extra mile to settle. My willingness to settle ensures a constant flow of happy feelings into my life. I feel at peace with myself. Even when the other party fails to reconcile, once the spirit of reconciliation that is already inside of me opens its gate and overwhelms me with compassion, I feel totally librated. This generates positive thoughts leading on to a happy feeling, which flow right from inside of me and spread to everyone around.

Forgiveness is the tonic you need to be taking on a regular basis in order to ensure a constant flow of happy feelings into your life. Remember the saying, “to err is human, to forgive is divine”. Forgiveness is the spirit of reconciliation. It is the spirit of peace and harmony. It is the spirit of kindness and love. Every one of us has this spirit residing within. Lack of forgiveness brings negative thoughts and unhappy feeling. While the person you are not forgiving is out there partying and enjoying life to the full, you locked yourself inside your room in gloom. Who is suffering?

To develop and nourish your spirit of reconciliation, you must first learn to stop taking yourself too seriously. Second, you must learn to forgive yourself any time you feel unhappy. Third, you must learn to forgive anyone that tries to make you feel unhappy. Fourth, you must learn to manage your thoughts using negative and positive switches. Fifth, you must learn when to use the negative switch and when to use the positive switch. Sixth, you must learn when to use the positive switch to generate a happy feeling and when to use the negative switch to stop an unhappy feeling to set in. Remember, no one can make you feel unhappy unless you give him or her permission.    

Giving to the Street people

“The more you give, the more you get”, goes the old saying.  What do you do when you think you have nothing to give? The truth is that we all have something to give; a smile, a hug, a word of encouragement and advice, sharing some moments with people just listening to them, inviting them out for a walk, etc. Any act of love and kindness you perform to another person amounts to giving. In certain circumstance, even an act of not giving could amount to giving. This happens when, out of love and kindness, you feel compelled to give, but you suddenly find a reason to belief that what you are about to give could become a potential instrument for self-harm. Your act of not giving in that circumstance could amount to giving. This is because you are acting out of love and kindness.

I was out and about a couple of days ago and a young man approached me begging for money. The time was about 3pm. I asked him what he wanted to buy with it. He explained that he had not eaten since morning and that he was hungry and needed food. I asked him to follow me to a nearby Macdonald’s restaurant and offered to buy him something to eat. He declined. I found his response very interesting and wanted to know why he had declined my offer. As he was walking away from me, I followed him.

We were walking side by side and I tried to develop a rapport with him. I wanted to find out why he really needed the money. I thought to myself that if hunger were the reason for begging me for money, he would have been glad to accept my offer to buy him some food. I would have been glad to give him some money if I knew he was genuinely hungry. He was not hungry for food but for drugs as he confirmed to me after a few minutes chatting with him.  As I moved closer to him, the reason became apparent. He needed the money to buy some drugs. He said he needed to have it urgently. He looked desperate but not threatening, so I felt relaxed to continue with the chat. I felt giving money to him under that circumstance would have been tantamount to giving him my tacit support to harm himself.  

The thought of my encounter with that young man occupied my mind for most of the evening. I wished I had other ways of helping him. However, I was pleased with myself that I resisted the urge to give him any money. Even though I did not meet his demand for money, I gave him something that I thought was worth more than the amount I could have given to him. I shared my time with him on the street. I shared some ideas on how he could get help.  I gave him information that pointed to places where he could go and seek for help. I promised to be on the lookout for him any time I come to the area.

There are thousands of vulnerable people like the young man. They walk the streets of London and other major cities in the UK. Many have nowhere they could call a home. Only drugs keep them going. They cannot live without it. They yearn for it. The more they take it, the more they need take it. They cannot have enough of it in their body system. Each time I remember the young man, the question that keeps coming back to me is who could be selling the drugs to such a helpless person. Someone out there must be making big money out of his vulnerability.

Let us join hands to keep such unscrupulous people out of their doggy businesses. We can achieve this by our simple act of love and kindness to vulnerable people we meet on the streets. Whenever someone approaches you on the street begging you for money, insist on knowing what the person wants to do with the money.  Never give them money if you seriously suspect that the person is vulnerable and could use the money to buy drugs. If the person is hungry, you could offer to take him or her to a nearby cafe and buy some food for them. Otherwise, if it is possible, just give them any advice you can give including directing them to a local rehab centre. Where you think you have nothing to give, you can simply pray for them and walk away. That is a major act of giving and you will receive back ten folds.

Taking your friend with you wherever you go.

I have a friend who knows me inside out. He understands my needs. He is ever aware of what I want. He is creative, kind hearted, radiates love and an epitome of beauty and joy. He is always by my side, picking me up whenever I am down. When I am weak and worn, he gives me the energy to get up and go. When time is tough, he toughens me. He keeps assuring me that it is just the end of a chapter and marking the beginning of a new one. When I am going to bed in the night, he says good night and assures me that it will be all right the next day. When the night seems too dreary and sleep refuses to come, he tells me nice stories of my past and shows me great movies of my great life to come.

What a great friend he is. He is also your friend. You need to know who this friend is in your life and become his friend too. You need to understand his nature. He is a powerful friend who will never fail you. Take him with you wherever you go. He is a friend of everybody. He led Barak Obama as a boy with no chance to the presidency of the most powerful nation on earth. He stayed by Nelson Mandela in Robben Island for 27 years and led him to the presidency of South Africa. He guided Lord Beaconsfield as an unknown boy born with no prospect whatsoever but who rose through the ranks to become England’s greatest Prime Minister.

Who is this friend? He is so trusting, full of anticipation, always wishing for you to be feeling happy and consistently looking forward to better days ahead of you. He has a high expectation for you and is highly optimistic that your future will be better than your past. He bears all things, beliefs in all things and endures all things. When you have him, suffering cannot keep you down any more because he will help you to see light at the end of the tunnel. When you have him, even the fear of death disappears in your life because, he will help you to have a deeper understanding of eternal life. When you have him, every failure becomes an opportunity because he helps you to step back, learn lessons, gain new experiences and move on with a renewed energy. When you have him, all negative thoughts vanish from your mind because he helps you see and appreciate the enormous beauty in everything that God has created. He helps you to live your life in love and kindness to people around you. Where there is scarcity, h helps you to see the abundance of life around you.

Allow friend of mine become your friend and companion. Take him with you wherever you go. Talk to him whenever you feel lonely, fearful and depressed. Let him become your best friend. He can never fail you. He is what you have left when everything and everybody have disappeared in your life. He wants you to be constantly on the side your Creator through whom and from whom all good things originate. He is the divine spirit of success and achievement. Take him with you wherever you go. His name is Hope.

A Tale of Two Cities

There are two cities. Sadness is the name of the first city. The name of the second city is Joy.

 You have an opportunity to migrate from where you are today to settle in another city. You have an offer of the two cities. You can choose to settle only in one or the other city.

Before you make up your mind, here are some of the characteristics of each city:

In the city of Sadness, everyone there is strikingly rich. They have everything that money could ever buy on earth. However, in this city, everyone is sad, moody, hateful, individualist and intolerant of one another. Life in this city is survival of the fittest as there is competition for every available resource even though there is enough to go round.     

In the city of Joy, everyone is stingingly poor. No one has anything that resembles material possession of monetary value. They live from hand to mouth. However, everyone in this city is happy. They are kind to one another. The strong ones among them protect the weak ones. Those who have little, even from the little they have, they share with the poorer ones.  They protect one another’s interests and share each other’s burdens.

Now, which of these two cities would you prefer to settle in?

Coaching: A Win/Win Relationship?

What I passionately love about coaching is the feeling I get shortly before and after each coaching session.  This is a feeling I can best describe as magical. This is because, before every coaching session, I spend a few moments on meditation. I retire to a quiet place to observe some moments of silence. I spend a few moments in total silence both in mind and in body. During those magical moments, I remain still and oblivious of what may be going on around me. The short period of stillness allows me to hear messages that my ordinary ears cannot hear. It sets my mind free from negative thoughts. It opens my mind to creative ideas to help my clients. It enables me to approach them with love and kindness. It expands the scope of my understanding of who they are. It helps me to see the success they already are. It helps me to see how much they are already blessed. It helps to align my thoughts with their thoughts.

Each meditative session overwhelms me with a feeling of happiness, a feeling of purpose and a feeling of self-fulfilment. This becomes the feeling I take into the coaching session with my clients. I have found this highly infectious. Each session flows effortlessly like river without any need for me to push. The conversational approach I have adopted to coaching enables my clients to feel very relaxed.  

The client leaves each session feeling good about him or herself both inside and outside. This is also the feeling I take away from each session. It does not matter whether I am coaching face to face or over the telephone, the experience is the same. Every coaching session opens with a mindset that both of us must take something positive away at the end of the session. I belief coaching, as a personal performance tool, is a Win/Win relationship. What do you think?

Know your Value, balance your life

Value Life Balance (VLB) is the alignment of your goals with your core values. Consider the following two similar hypothetical scenarios:

·         If your goal is to be financially secure by 2012, and your core value is independence, to what extent are your current actions to achieve financial security undermining your value for independence.

·         If having a healthy relationship with your partner is your goal, and your core value is financial security, what are the things you do on a daily basis to achieve financial security that may be undermining your desire to have a good relationship with your partner?

When your thoughts and your actions do not match up to what you want to achieve, there is dissonance. If your value does not align with your goal, you have very little chance of achieving the goal. If you persistently fail to achieve a goal, this could lead to life imbalance. Life imbalance is one of the underlying causes of most of human illness starting from relentless emotional distress.

Value Life Balance (VLB) is my attempt to invite you to put your life back into balance.  Before you set any goal for yourself, make sure you carry out a Value Life Balance analysis. This should help you to establish the degree of fit between your value and the goal you are seeking to achieve. There is no point spending your time, your money and your energy working toward a goal that you have little or no chance of achieving. Visit my website at www.valuelifebalance.com if you want to know more about Value Life Balance.

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Pushing to the front

Some people achieve their greatest breakthrough the moment they hit the hardest rock in their lives. On the 5^th of August 2010, 33 Chilean miners went out to work. It was just another normal working day for each of them. Some of them had been doing the same work for many years. Just a few days before the incident, a report had it that one of the miners had an argument with his boss complaining about some safety issues in the mine. The report explained that his boss told him he had a choice. He could stay and work if he still wanted to work or he could leave if he did not want to continue working there. As he had no choice, he stayed and continued to work in the mine. His reason for staying most probably outweighed his reason for leaving. In spite of his feeling, he went back to work.  

We all find ourselves in this type of situation at different stages in life especially when you have a family to care for. We face such difficult choices all the time. When the going is tough, the toughs keep reminding themselves of their reasons for their journey. Their reasons keep them going. The toughs know that the tougher the road, the bigger their end reward. Some people give up when the journey is almost over. They simply have no energy left to continue. However, at such crucial moments, the toughs refocus their thoughts’ energy and re-direct them toward their reasons for the journey. Their reasons for the journey keep them back on track until they reach their destination. They do not quite no matter the obstacles on their way. 

All sorts of negative thoughts could have stopped any of the miners from returning to work on that fateful day. On that day, just like any other day in their working lives, they all had work to do in the mine, and they all went in there to do it. The day marked a big turning point in their lives. Life balance is all about knowing why we are making our journey. Whenever the road becomes bumpy, we should keep reminding ourselves of the reasons we are making our journey. We should keep doing the things that would help keep us on the road. In order to achieve His own purpose, God has a way of using pains to keep us perpetually on the right path of life.

Our ability to endure the pains is our guarantee for our future pleasures. When our pleasure comes, we forget our pain. Life is a miracle unfolding before each one of us moment by moment. The miners and their loved ones experienced their pains for a period of 69 days. There must have been some moments during their ordeal when some of them might have been thinking that they would never come out alive.  The end of their pain marked the beginning of their pleasure, I hope. Their lives have changed forever. They will never be same again, I hope for good. God bless them.

The power of silence

The simplest way to defuse a potentially explosive argument is silence. Some people take this to mean capitulation. This is not true. I can only remember once when I used that magical power of silence in a row with a friend. That was a very long time ago, probably in 1974 or thereabout.  I think it was about an issue bordering on the use of some stuff he had left in the kitchen that we shared together.

My friend had just returned from work and wanted to know who had used his stuff. I was the only person he met at home.  I told him I did not use his stuff and that I did not know who had used it. He was not going to take my response for an answer. He asked me again, who used up his stuff. I insisted that I did not use his stuff and that I did not know who had used it. The next thing I saw was that my friend suddenly charged at me like a lion. He kept banging his hand on the table and screaming at me as if he was going to eat me alive. It was perhaps the most explosive outburst I had ever witnessed in my life. I did not respond. My friend had been raging for well over ten minutes before it suddenly occurred to him that I was not saying anything. He had said all unprintable things against me but I maintained an uncharacteristic silence all through.  

When our uncle returned home from work in the night, my friend reported me to him. He accused me of ignoring him when he was asking me who took his stuff.  That was the moment I discovered the enormous power of silence. He said he felt insulted when he was talking to me and I did not respond. The fact was that he was not talking to me but he was talking at me. He was the one insulting me. My only response, in that circumstance was to maintain my silence. I did not know how I did it. It was not and it has never been my nature to maintain such level of silence in the face of provocation. However, I did it and it worked.

Maintaining your silence in the face of provocation is not a sign of weakness but a sign of great strength. It takes two to tango. You cannot fight alone. Only a mad person fights alone. No matter how enraged the other person is, your dignified silence can calm him or her down. People who know me very well would agree that I was not born with a gift of silence. I grew up with a natural ability to express my opinion in the presence of anybody no matter who they may be. Therefore keeping silence was never one of my virtues.

I started to consider silence as a new way of living my life within the past five years or so. Over the past two years, coaching has helped me to discover the enormous power inherent in silence as a means of communication. As a Eucharistic Minister in my local Church, I have had several opportunities of visiting people who are sick and home bound. Those moments of my visits have continued to challenge my ability to keep my mouth shut whenever I felt the urge to express a few words of succour to them. I have found out over the years that what most of them needed was not my empty words of comfort but they wanted me to come to their homes to share some quality moments of silence with them.  Being alone most of the time, they had come to know that there is secret in silence. They had come to know that there is spirit in silence. They had come know that there is God in silence. You can use silence to make a point that a thousand words cannot achieve. As Orison Swett Marden fittingly put it in his famous book titled “Pushing to the front”, “Speech is silvern, Silence is golden; Speech is human, Silence, divine”.

You can use silence to learn more about yourself and your partner, You can use silence to learn more about your children, your friends, your colleagues, your boss, etc. You can use silence to discover who you are from inside and outside. You can use the power of silence to go deep inside other people and find out what they are thinking, what they want, their aspiration in life, etc. You can use silence to gain some insights into the minds of other people, their ways of thinking without the need to ask them any question. I have used silence to build new relationships with my family and friends. I have used silence to build new relationships based on mutual respect.   

The act of maintaining silence is a learnable skill. You can start by learning how to listen more and talk less. They say the reason why God gave us two ears and one mouth is to enable us listen twice as much as we talk. Initially it can be difficult for some people to maintain silence especially people who are highly opinionated. The reality is that the more you listen, the more you know about other people. The more you know about other people, the more you will understand their needs. The more you understand their needs, the more you will be in a position to relate with them. The more you are able to relate with them, the more you will be able to work together with them to achieve common goals. This is true both at home and at work.

There is enormous power in silence. God resides in silence. He works His miracles in silence. In silence, He will talk to you. As He talks to you in silence, you must listen to Him in silence. All you need to do is, just listen. I encourage you to find more space in your life to experience some rich moments of silence. Give silence a chance to flourish in your relationships, in your home, in your work, and in virtually all areas of your life. Discover the power of silence and use it to your maximum advantage. Cultivate the habit of listening more and talking less. This will change your life forever. I promise you. Think!

Why some people find it hard to ask for help

What makes it hard for some people to ask for help when they need it most?  Is it their ego? Is it their shyness? Is it their stupidity? Is it simply they do not know that they need help? The answer could be any or none of these. I recently asked a couple of clients why they think some people find it hard to ask for help even when they need it. The following are some of the answers I got:

·         They feel rejected if help is refused

·         They feel guilty for asking

·         The other person feel guilty if they cannot help

·         They are too proud to ask

·         They develop a sense of personal failure

·         They feel little

·         They think help will come without asking

·         They just like to keep their secrets secret

Each of the above may be a vital reason to think twice before asking someone for help in order to achieve a goal, but I do not think you should allow anything to stop you from asking for help when you most need it in order to achieve a desired goal.

Rejection is a feeling in your mind. It is not a permanent position. Your ego may have put the feeling inside of you. It may have started like a mustard seed. It grows to become a mighty tree overwhelming your false sense of self-importance. You need to climb down from your high horse, understand your current situation and accept the need for help to overcome it.

Your feeling of guilt whenever you ask someone for help is strength. Your conscience makes you to feel that way. The fact that you feel guilty for asking for help simply means that you have become very aware of your core value of independence. It means you are aware of your personal responsibility to balance your life. You are therefore asking for help as one of the actions you agreed to take in order for you to bring your life back to balance. You need not feel guilty about it provided you do not make it a regular habit.

Your reaction to how the other person would feel if he or she is unable to help you is another classic example of your selfless nature. This again is your strength and not a weakness. Why should you use your strength to prevent you from achieving your goal? If you genuinely knew that your friends would certainly help you if they can, why do you think they would feel guilty if they tell you that they cannot?  Why would you make it a reason for not wanting to approach them for help? Remember, if you do not ask, you do not get.

Pride, they say, goes before a fall. Suffice it to add that some people live their entire life thinking that they are greater than everyone around. The reality is that everyone is great in his or her own individual ways. Asking for help when you need it is not sign of weakness. It is an acknowledgment that you are not alone in the universe. The creator brought us into this world to help one another. If you have been created to be a help to the person next door and you refuse to carry out your divined role, nature will raise up a help from another source and that help will come with or without you.  

People who refuse to ask for help because they think it is a sign of failure should re-consider their own definition of failure. Bill Gate was once challenged by a TV Talk show host to explain some of the major failures that his company had witnessed. He resorted angrily saying that his company had never experienced any failure. He said the word “failure” does not feature in his personal dictionary. The presenter, taken aback from what appeared a denial of facts by Gill Gate, began to list examples of such failures in Microsoft. Bill Gate sat back, looked at the man straight in the face, and said, “Those were the defining moments in Microsoft history”. He explained that they were not failures, as other people would have liked to interpret their experiences.

Anytime you feel little, this implies that you see the other person as big. When you label someone as tall, it means you are comparing that person with a short person. These are ways of putting labels on other people. You are who you are. The fact that you are asking for a help when you need it does not make you smaller or bigger than what you are. Your littleness or bigness is in your mind. When you change the way you label people, you have succeeded in changing your life forever.

It is great to belief that your help will come without asking. However, my personal experience is that believing without work is nothing. When I need something that I am aware I cannot get with my existing resources, I would not expect help to walk into my living room. If I need help, I will make contacts with people I know. I will reach out to them. I will make effort to talk to the people that might help me. However, it does not necessarily mean that the help will come through my efforts. That power is in the hands of the Invisible Finisher of everything we start. The Source of all lives on earth will reward your efforts not directly through your own actions but through trying to find help for yourself. In order words whenever you need help, make effort to find help for yourself and allow the help to come at the time of God’s choosing.

It is good to keep your secrets secret. However, there is consequence. You have to be aware of the consequences of keeping your secrets secret in matter relating to your need for help in any area of your life. Keeping your secrets secret is your choice. No one can deny you this privilege. One thing to bear in mind is that nothing is secret under the sun and remember Charles Sanford’s quote, “Secrets are made to be found out with time”.

Your breakthrough in life could be just one help away from you. Why would you allow your pride to become a barrier? Remember, some of your friends are like angels sent down to earth to help you find your ways. Think!

Personal approval rating

How popular are you among your friends? What makes you popular? What is your personal approval rating? Why is it important for you to be popular among your friends or colleagues? How popular do you want to be?  

Why do some people need other people's approval to do things that are in total alignment with their core values? So long as your actions are consistent with your ethical standard, what people think about you should be none of your business. Once you have known what you stand for, I encourage you to stand by it. Knowing what you stand for is something you have to learn over several years of searching, re-searching and understanding your deep inner self. Your deep knowledge and understanding of your natural inner self will set you free from seeking the approval of other people to live your life.   

When you have succeeded in knowing who you are, you no longer need anybody to like you. You no longer need anybody to approve what you do. You no longer need anybody to understand you. You live your life independent of anybody’s opinion. If the approval of people is what you need to succeed in life, you can never have enough. Approval seeking is like a person going about on the street with a cup in hand asking people to help him or her fill it up with water. The problem is that there is a hole underneath the up. Each time someone pours water inside, your approval rating goes up. However, as the water drains out through the leaking hole, your approval rating drops and it goes up again once another person who favours you pours water inside it.  This becomes an endless game. I hope you got my drift.

What you need first is to block the hole in the cup. In order words, you have to block your inner urge to feel the need for other people’s approval in order to live your life. This is not suggesting that you do not want people to like you. It is a good feeling to know that people like me.  This is however not the reason for doing what I do. It is just a bi-product. I do not offer help to the needy simply because I need them to like me.  I offer help because I know it is my duty to do so. In the morning, I do not stop at the bus stop to say hello to my neighbour simply because I need him or her to like me. I stop to hello because I know that I need good personal relationship with people for my spiritual nourishment.  In the bus, I do not give up my seat to a person that needs the space more than I do simply because I need people around me to think that I am a nice person. I do it regularly to meet my need to live a selfless life.

Be wary of complements as some are criticisms in disguise. Some people use both to manipulate behaviour but complements are more socially acceptable. Become more wary of both as they produce the same effect. A compliment increases your desire to work harder in order to please the person giving the complement. A criticism increases your desire to work even harder in order to disprove your critic. Both are capable of putting you under pressure.  Pressure is what you get when you do not know what you are doing. People hardly know what they are doing whenever they take actions that seek to meet the expectations of other people. Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Act according to yourself. Do not seek to make people change what they think about you. Rather, seek to change what you think about yourself, develop your own personal approval rating and live by it. Once you have achieved that mindset, you have succeeded in changing your life forever. Think!

Welcome to the rat race

How many times have you thought you have finished a major project only to find out later that it is just the beginning of another? This is so especially if you are a creative entrepreneur or if you work for a large organisation and they see that you are simply good at what you do. They pile everything on your desk. The desire to succeed pushes you to complete the next task on time. The end of one task is an opportunity for the beginning of another. A new challenge follows one major success, a new success precedes a new challenge, and the chains go on. It is an endless game of one success giving birth to another. This is great for your personal success. It is great for your wealth creation and accumulation of personal possession. It is great for your personal ago and recognition.

Modern technology has made it easy for you to undertake several projects at the same time and achieve successes. They call it multi-tasking. You can now attend a meeting in London at 2pm and attend another one in Japan at 3pm. You can conclude a multi-million pound sales deal over your mobile telephone handset while driving in your car to a meeting to conclude another deal. This increasingly popular management practice makes business managers think that their employees are invisible beings who are capable of achieving more for less. Workers are now required to do more in fewer hours and earn less for doing more. If they want to earn more, they have to work longer hours. This means less quality time for family and friends leading to work/life imbalance. What are the long-term national health implications of this growing trend?

A recent Relate survey in Britain showed that a fifth of people aged between 35 and 44 years wished they could have a better relationship with their family. Almost a third of people in this age group said their relationship would improve if they could work fewer hours.

The pressure to deliver more for less is everywhere today and is gaining more credence even among management experts and politicians. Doctors are required to give more quality treatments to their patients with lower budgets. We expect teachers to provide better education to our children with reduced spending on basic infrastructural facilities in the classrooms. Social workers must provide better care to vulnerable people in the community with lower budgets.

In response to these apparently conflicting demands, local service managers have devised ingenious ways of delivering services to their clients. Their goal is to balance their books. For example, most public organisations no longer employ staff on permanent basis. This reduces their inherent liability by way of the extra allowances and the fringe benefits that come with permanent employment such as holiday pay, pensions, National Insurance contributions, etc. Instead, they now regularly hire part-time temporary agency staff that they are able to fire at the slightest possible opportunity using their power of carrot and stick.

These are some of the realities of today’s employment market. I belief this is the time for you to begin to ask yourself some challenging questions. What is the most important thing in your life today? What is your purpose in life? What legacy would you like to leave behind when you die? If your doctor tells you today that you have just six months to live, what would your number one priority be? What would be your only regret if you die today? Life is not all about personal enrichment. It is not all about accumulation of perishable possessions. There is much more to your life than just running the endless rat race. Think!

The Power of your Belief

You are what you belief. What you belief makes you who you are. Your beliefs rule your life. They condition the way you think, the way you behave and the way you do things. They can put limits on what you can say, what you do and what you have. As Henry Ford once succinctly put it, “whether you believe you can, or whether you believe you can’t, you are probably right”.

One day, Socrates was having a walk outside the city of Athens. After a short walk, he decided to have a rest.  He sat on a milestone by the side of the road a few miles from the city. As he was resting, he saw a traveller coming along the road. As he approached Socrates, the following conversation followed:

Traveller:        “Greetings, friend! Can you please tell me; is this the road to Athens?”

Socrates:       “Greetings. Carry on straight ahead. It is quite a big city. You cannot miss it.”

Traveller:        “Tell me, what are the people of Athens like?”

Socrates:       “Well, tell me where you are from, and what the people there are like, and I will tell you about the people of Athens.”

Traveller:        “I am from Argos. I am very proud and happy to tell you that the people of Argos are the friendliest, happiest, most generous people you could ever wish to meet.”

Socrates:      “Well. And I am very happy to tell you, my friend, that the people of Athens are exactly the same.”

A few minutes later, another traveller arrived and approached Socrates and again the following conversation ensued:

Traveller:       “Greetings, friend! Can you please tell me; is this the road to Athens?”

Socrates:       “Greetings. Carry on straight ahead. It is quite a big city. You cannot miss it.”

Traveller:        “Tell me, what are the people of Athens like?”

Socrates:      “Well, tell me where you are from, and what the people there are like, and I will tell you about the people of Athens.”

Traveller:        “I am from Argos. I am sad and disappointed to tell you that the people of Argos are the meanest, most miserable and least friendly people you could ever wish to meet.”

Socrates:       "Well. And I am very sad and disappointed to tell you, my friend, that the people of Athens are exactly the same.”

What do you think about Socrates, the two travellers and their belief system? What do you think about your own belief system? What judgements do you pass on others based on your own belief? What conclusions do draw when you hear one side of a story before you have the opportunity to hear the other side? What assumptions do you make about the character of a person you are meeting for the first time who does not share your view on a matter you hold very dear to your heart? Your beliefs can help you to become the best of who you want to be. They can also help to make you become the opposite. 

Identify any disempowering belief you currently have. Find out where it came from. If you cannot align it with any of your core values, you must consider dumping it now. Dumping such unwanted belief would enable you to be a light traveller with no baggage to weigh you down in your journey in life. This should give you the needed freedom to move freely in your journey that takes you toward achieving your ultimate purpose in life.

Travel Inward To Consult The Mind

Sometimes we think we know what we really want. We go about setting clear goals to achieve them. We put in place well thought through action plan we believe will let us take the first step.

However, in spite of all our effects, we failed to realise the stated goals. Frequent failures to achieve desired goals can be emotionally painful and frustrating. Series of failed attempts to achieve our goals can could lead to despair,  anger and disempowered. This could trigger the onset of depression and dis(eases). We begin to hop from one "I-can-help-you-fix-it" agent or another looking for quick solutions. We fall in the hands of unscrupulous people who are prepared to take advantage of our circumstance. They tell us things we want to hear. We do whatever they tell us to do without thinking. This is because we have surrendered our thinking to them. 

What could be responsible for this kind of situation? Is it a curse? Are we just being unlucky? Perhaps, it's not yet out time? Is as a result of bad planning? May be God is not answering our prayer? We may never know why. 

However, personal experience and empirical evidence have taught me that the difference between success and failure to do, have or be anything we want is ATTITUDE. Success, according to Dictionary.com, is "the favourable determination of an attempt or endeavour; the accomplishment of a goal." Failure, on the other hand, means "unfavourable determination of an attempt or inability to accomplish a task."

The reality is that oftentimes, we want to achieve a goal that our current skills set, knowledge, level of experience, ability, emotional intelligence, do not stand us in good stead to achieve. This, I consider to be the first breach of the Natural Law that governs human desire to do, have or be anything in life. 

According to Ambrose Bierce (1842 -1914), "There is nothing like failure in life. It’s all learning by experience, a revelation in the light of which we renounce our errors of youth for those of age”.  

To do, have or be anything, you must first understand and become innately aware of the Natural Law that governs it. Everything happens according to law. Nothing in the universe happens by chance. It is caused by something. Every cause has its effect. Every effect has its cause. That is a universal law. According to study, people are more likely to be attracted to those who are similar to them. 

As Albert Einstein succinctly put, "Look deep into nature, and then you will understand everything better." 

Life and living are full of mysteries. The more we try to understand them, the more they elude us. The best way I have found to appreciate some of the mysteries is listening to the natural rhythm of my heartbeats in regular moments of silence. During those magical moments, I hear how my heart beats naturally, unaffected by what I may be thinking or doing at any point in time. It is a step towards deeper awareness and understanding of the rhythmic nature of the universe. This connects and aligns the nature of the universe with human nature. This is the ultimate act of surrendering to the awesome power of the most high God.

The goal of life, according to Joseph Campbell, "is to make our heartbeats match the beat of the universe."  Our aim is to keep matching our Nature with the Nature of the Creator of the universe on a daily basis. This lets us be at ONE with the Power that holds the Universe together. 

Human nature embodies happiness, joy, love and peace. Living your nature on a daily basis lets you be in constant harmony with your creative Source. 

When we disconnect our human nature from the Nature of God, we have two options. We can either accept responsibility for our action, seek to reconnect and move on with life. Or we can decide not to accept responsibility and start the blame game. Some people will blame their parents, wife, brothers, sisters, bosses, or just about anybody but themselves. Some will blame God for not hearing their prayer. Out of desperation to have what they want by any means, some would resort to carrying out certain activities that go totally against the natural laws that govern the nature of the thing they are striving to have. 

When we seek to have natural things by unnatural means, we find ourselves in conflict with nature. Nature has its own way of doing things. It is our duty as human beings to flow with nature. We should allow nature to take its course. This is not the same thing as being complacent. It is about inner awareness.  It is about communicating with your inner self. It is about knowing who you are. It is about your creative awareness of the nature of your being. 

There may be a message for many of us as we continuously strive to achieve a goal. Our continuous striving may be a message telling us  that we do not really need that which we are striving to have. It may be a coded message telling us that we need to wait for the right time. It may also be a sign telling us that we need to develop some personal skills, which we will need to sustain life after we have achieved the goal. 

We have inner minds that tell us what to do.  But most of us hardly travel inward to consult the mind. We need to find more time to consult it from time to time. Your spiritual being should be guiding you to make the right choices. Find time to pray or meditate. It cannot fail you.